Lord...Help My Unbelief.

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?" John 11:40

I sit here in my dimly lit office, I have arrived hours ahead of schedule because this morning I just need some solitude. I'm sure there are those of you who understand. I need to be in place where there is not another task to do and no one knows I'm here yet so there is no knock on my door.

Its been a while since I have written anything. I don't think many have noticed, lol, but I have missed it. So this morning when the words hit, I had to take the time. I have said in the past and this is still true, that during all hours of the day and night, I will most likely have some form of preaching service, seminar or worship service streaming on the TV or computer. When in my office working on reports or filing, I will have a live stream or archive going in the background. I try to continually keep the word washing over me in some form or another. There are days when this comes easy and there are days that I have to make myself do so.

I found that it is in the times that I do not keep my ears full of the Word, that these are the times that the voices are the loudest. Now before you go calling me crazy, or some of you try to have me committed, stop and think. We all have those voices. You know the ones. Sometimes they scream "You can't!", "Give up!", "It's not worth it!".  Sometimes they speak softly and consistently, a constant reminder of every wrong turn, every mistake, every disappointment, every rejection. Screaming loud and long or silently whispering despair, these voice can often drown out the very voice of God, even for a believer.

For me the voices have been constant most of my life. There are three voices from my past that torment my idle thoughts. These voice say that I am not good enough, they say I am unlovable and they say I am a failure. There is a new voice these days as well that taunts me day and night, the voice of the Pharisee.

This morning as is my morning routine, my phone was streaming a broad cast. This morning one of my favorites, Beth Moore, was talking on the scriptures in Mark of the boy whose father has brought him to be healed from demonic possession. Her first words were, "My freedom came from that which nearly killed me." That was it. That was the pebble it took to break the dam. You see I understand that fully.

If you have read my blogs then you know my journey. This bittersweet, intentional journey through the darkest days of my life. A pit and a valley dug by the enemy to destroy me. And you know it nearly did. But this morning came the reminder.

You see,  after years of Pharisaical living, singing, teaching, ministering in the church and other locations the Holy Spirit began to work on me. As I began to slowly awaken from my long, spiritual slumber in my comfortable cocoon of denial and luke-warm living, the enemy recognized the purpose being instilled in me even before I did. In a last ditch effort to destroy my potential, he sends the absolute worst crisis of my life...and it nearly killed me. But God has a plan.

It was during this pit that could have, (almost) taken my life that God showed me once again who HE is and who I am.

I grew up in a doctrine that believed once saved always saved and if you slip, you must not have really been saved. In my twenties I converted to a doctrine that believes that you can lose your salvation by your own choice. I still believe that, but the enemy has taken these two doctrines and even used this to taunt me over the years. That voice for so long told me I could not be assured of my salvation and along this journey Jesus has conquered that voice. Without this painful journey and process I am certain I would still be stuck in that place of uncertainty, constantly wondering if my eternal destination was secure. Constantly fighting a fight that has already been won.

³¹ To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. ³² Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  John 8:31-33

A new voice has tried to take its place. A voice that says that if I do not cave in, or give in to the plans of the wicked or condone the actions of the narcissistic personality or "keep my mouth shut" then I " must not really be a Christian". This often comes in the form of a real human voice and I must fight the urge to believe the lie of the enemy through those who choose to be his mouth piece.

There is a voice that has been with me since childhood. This voice says that no matter what I do, it is not good enough. This voice too has a human mouthpiece and has been used many times in 47 years to manipulate my actions and responses. This voice also whispers in innuendo, "you cannot trust yourself" and "no matter what you do you will fail".

Perhaps the loudest of the messages is a choir of voices with a trio at its fore front and the constant siren song is that I am only loveable if I meet the right conditions. These voices too have human form and faces. These, one right after another, from birth to present have taunted me with the idea that I had to be in a constant state of doing and being and performing and that my worth was only tied to obedience to them and performance for them. Rejection, manipulation, denial and abandonment were the tools of the trade and served my captors well. Love was conditional and I did not meet the conditions.

We all have these voices and when the Father begins to unveil his plans to us, these voices will rally. They will do their best to rattle and confuse the believer.

In Mark's passage, the father of the boy says to Jesus, "But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!"Jesus, already frustrated with his disciples over this very issue, firmly says to the man, "'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes." He is not really frustrated with the father. This man has not sat under his teaching for years. This man had no way of knowing, but the disciples did and Jesus is terribly frustrated with them. All along he has told his disciples that they will do even greater miracles than he and yet when this man and this boy come to them, they cannot cast out this demon. 

It was at this point that Beth points out the reason for their inability to perform the task before them. They had just been arguing with the Pharisees. Her statement "Never argue with a Pharisee" hits be right between the eyes. 

You see during this time period that I have not been writing, I have been arguing with Pharisees. Some in my head and some in real life. Distractions. Distractions, real and imagined, sent by the enemy to silence me and keep me from going further to the place where the Father has a plan for me. Even to the point of disobedience. 

The more I argued, the louder the voice got, until I could no longer clearly hear that still small voice. The one that says I am his, I am loved, I am valuable, I have purpose, I can and I will. The one that says  "I have bought you back", the one that says "I have paid for your freedom", the one that says,
"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

So dear friend, this morning I am reminded that the freedom bought  by the blood of Jesus is mine and its time to hike up the boot straps and be who He says I am. It is time to walk in the purpose He has called me to. It is time to shush the voices and stop arguing with the Pharisees and it is time to remember the promises that He has made me and just how far He has brought me though there still seems to be no mountaintop in sight. It is time to take hold of that mustard seed and  to say "Father, I believe, Lord help my unbelief".

Today's video is the Jeff Berry Band's song Prayer

Take Him to the place

6/12/15I saw a post today on a ministerial blog I follow. The post said, and I am paraphrasing here, "don't only show them when you are on the mountain, they need to see that you too go through every day struggles". Well, you are either in luck or cursed. This has been a week of every day struggles. Maybe even several weeks strung together. Our group sings a song called Honestly, the chorus speaks of being so desperate for Jesus that you would even tear the roof off to get to him. This week I have tried my hand at roof tearing.  I have found it difficult to write, this is the third blog that I have started and just can't seem to finish the other two. Normally when I struggle with a topic the Holy Spirit will come in and take over, let's hope that is the case here today.

 Yesterday was hard for me. 

The days that my kids leave me always are. Children should not have to go back and forth between parents, they should not have to leave one to go to another. They should not have to choose whom they live with. This is not the way God intended, this is not His will or His plan. His plan is for both parents to raise the children together. Period. That is all I will say on this, just hear me, if you are contemplating divorce, DON'T DO IT! Momentary selfish acts leave lasting scars on those left wounded in the wake. They will not "get over it", they may learn to cope, but they never get over it.

Last night, sitting at a crossroads, the road to the right would have taken me back to my  house, where boxes and more packing awaited me in the silence of the absence of my children. Chores needing to be completed, laundry needing to be done and quite frankly, it would have been a good night just to go to bed early. This was not to be however.

From deep in the pit of my very being, something called to me to take Him to the place.

"Put Me in remembrance, let us argue our case together; State your cause, that you may be proved right." Isaiah 43:26

When my journey first began, I was listening to TBN one night. There on the stage was Amanda Crabb singing along with her husband Aaron, a song that would become a reminder for me in the years to come that sometimes we need to go back in order to go forward. This for me would become an anthem in the days to come.

In July 2014 I had the pleasure of telling Amanda in person how this song had spoken so much to me in the time that I was standing for my marriage. Attending a music conference while in Nashville job hunting and visiting my friend John, I approached her to tell her how much her testimony that night had meant to me and how much the song had ministered to me in the previous couple of years. Within moments, Aaron and Amanda, being the spirit filled leaders they are, had taken me into their fold and captured a place in my heart. When in Nashville, my kids and I attend their church, a place with a name that drew me like a healing balm and a moth to a flame, Restoring Hope.

As I felt the overwhelming sense of urgency last night to steer my car to the left, I knew that I was about to take God to the place where so much of my walk with him began. I took him to the tabernacle where on a November evening in 1995, I walked the aisle to come back to him in fullness and surrender. I took him to the place where in July of 1997 my husband and I knelt at an altar and prayed for a baby the doctors said would never come.

I took him to the place where in 2001 my husband and I sat on opposite ends of a fallen tree writing love letters to one another during a marriage retreat. To the place where he penned the words that he knew that all he had been through had brought him to me and that he would love me forever.

 I took him to a place where our quartet performed, where we sang in the choir for many years, where we laid many of life's concerns at an alter of grace and mercy. I took him to a place where my oldest son met the Lord many times and made life long friends. I took him to the place where my daughter first spent the night away from home and I took him to the place where my youngest attended his first church service during family camp in June of 2007, just days after being released from the Neonatal Intensive Care unit.

I took him back to the place where in July of 2012, I confessed before a multitude, the horrible sin that had been my portion in the demise of my marriage.  I took him back to the place where in October of 2012 He revealed to me the purpose for my journey and the calling set before me. I took God to the place where I lay my marriage at his feet the day before the final divorce hearing in July of 2013 and told God that I would obey him whatever that meant.

I settled on that grassy knoll where that fallen tree once lay and I took God to the place where all my hopes and dreams had begun and where they all were shattered. I took him to the place where I had found His sanctifying power and where I learned that sometimes despite what God wants, people make poor choices.

And call none your father upon earth; for one is your father, who is in heaven. Matthew  23:9

I considered my self to be a daddy's girl. When my father was home, I felt safe. In my father's arms I felt protected. Last night I needed a God big enough to control this universe but small enough to be my Father,  to come sit beside me and hold me while I cried once again for the broken dreams, torn memories, the sorrow and pain that have never fully left.

Tonight I needed a God big enough to be everywhere. I took God to a hospital room in Birmingham AL and one in Jacksonville FL and a home in Kite GA where impossible odds are being faced, where only He can intervene. I took Him to  places in Cochran GA  and Kite GA where hearts are heavy with the loss of precious loved ones. I took him to  places in Dublin GA where disobedience to him has altered the lives of many, forever leaving scars and changing the courses of the lives of the innocent. I took him to a cruise ship along the coast of Florida where a heavy heart needs the peace that only God can provide. I took him to a home in Old Hickory TN where three small orphans are learning to rebuild with their loving adoptive parents. I took him to a newly established home in Hermitage TN where newlyweds have just begun their journey. I took him to Dublin GA to homes where wives feel neglected and to East Dublin GA where a teenager makes decisions. I took him to Soperton GA where grandparents feel the sting of unfairness and to Las Vegas NV where a father feels the grief of having his only son torn from him. I took him to a place to cover a tender eight year old to protect him from the evil that would capture his soul. 

 I took God to a place in North Carolina where a couple follow God to restore their marriage and ministry in obedience to the Father. I took him to 1041 Center Pointe Road in Hendersonville, TN where a passionate couple walk in obedience to be a shining light in their community and began a church in a city where God called them and where the congregation is embracing the vision and lives are being restored. I took God to a place in Dublin GA where a pastor, with a heart for the people and a vision laid before him, desperately tries to drag a congregation out of tradition and into full surrender to the Holy Spirit's plan and purpose. Then to a church In Dublin GA where a pastor speaks truth to his congregation who share his vision and purpose and where many new souls are being brought into the kingdom. 

Psalms 91:14-16  14 "Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known my name. 15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. 16 With long life I will satisfy him, And show him My salvation." 

But last night I also needed a God small enough to see me among the vastness of the universe, just a tiny speck of human frailty, sitting on the ground waiting for Him to meet me in this place where He has met me so many times before. Last night I needed Him to come sit beside me and tell me His plan. I needed Him to take my hand and tell me that no matter where this journey ends, He will be with me. I needed Him to reassure me that as long as I remain in Him, He will honor my efforts. Last night I needed Him to whisper words of comfort in my ear and hold me as I cried once again for every broken dream, every hope deferred, every prayer that seemingly has gone unanswered. For every scar that just will not completely heal, and I took him to that place deep down in the recesses of my soul that still holds a small, fragile thread of hope. 

And then, I asked Him to go before me. To the place that I can not even fathom. I took Him to places that in my minds eye I can not even comprehend. I took Him to the next step before me that I cannot even see yet, but He alone knows. I asked Him to go into that place of provision that He has prepared and lead me there, where ever there is. I asked him to go into the hearts and minds of the people who will go with me and prepare them for the journey too. I asked Him to go into the hearts and minds of the ones that I leave behind and give myself and them the peace for me to make this journey. I asked him to go into the hearts and minds of the ones we will meet there and prepare them for this family rebuilding from brokenness, to provide mentors for my kids and me, to place us in extended families as a means of support. And I asked Him to meet us there, where ever this there is, to fulfill His purpose in us. 

For I know that often times He takes us to a place where we believe we are going to be ministered to, yet we become the one who ministers and if that is His purpose then I am willing to let Him take me to this place. 

“Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isa 53:4-5)

I know this is not the upbeat post that you are used to. I know this one has a very heavy tone and I think its okay for us to go there for a little while, to heal, to remember how far we have come and remember the promises, and to put God in remembrance of His promises to us. We just can not stay there. Where is your place today? Where do you need to take him back to? What area does He need to heal for you? I encourage you today to do the same. Take Him to your place and let Him meet you there.

To the place where dreams were shattered

And you felt you'd lost the race

Where the only thing that's left 

Is sorrow and pain

You wondered if you mattered

or did anyone see you at all

Take Him to the place

And watch dead things live again

Where one touch of His grace

And it's all washed away

He's calling out your name

Doesn't matter where you've been

Or whatever you have faced

Don't be afraid

To take Him to the place

There's a place where hope is given

Where you're free from sin and shame

Where He heals your broken heart

and speaks new life again

Where His love is ever drawing

to a place where you'll never be alone

Take Him to the place

And watch dead things live again

Where one touch of His grace

And it's all washed away

He's calling out your name

Doesn't matter where you've been

Or whatever you have faced

Don't be afraid

Let Him heal your heart

Give you a new start

You'll find life brand new

He will calm all fears

Wipe away your tears

Show you love so true

Just take Him to the place

And watch dead things live again

Where one touch of His grace

And it's all washed away

He's calling out your name

Doesn't matter where you've been

Or whatever you have faced

Don't be afraid

To take Him to the place

Just take Him to the place

---

Amanda and Aaron Crabb sing Take Him To the Place.

Overwhelmed...

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Ok friends, can I just make this a confession day? Can I just be real with you today? It has been really hard recently. Really hard. There are times spiritually when it is just hard. 

Close friends and relatives in mortal and spiritual battles, financial worries, hope deferred, my own health issues, more job concerns than I even want to think about,  more major life decisions and more court battles (not of my choosing) have left me wanting to, like Elijah, go into a cave and let the ravens feed me. 

And while there has been good intermingled, more frequently than not, most days I have had to remind myself to look for it. Let's just say, I have been overwhelmed.

It is an humbling thing to see your life reduced to boxes. In the best of circumstances it means a grand, new adventure is about to begin. Children grow up, move off to college or lives of their own; new jobs are taken in far away cities and there is excitement in the air. However, when the choice is not yours, and you are leaving the home where you thought you would wave good-bye to your grandchildren from the front porch swing and in which you envisioned many future celebrations and life events, the home where you though you would draw your last breath, it is a gut wrenching experience. 

That is where I was in November of 2013. Today, I sit among more boxes...I've sold my home. Between work, school, singing and speaking, I cannot keep up the inside and the outside of the home successfully and I have determined that time with my children is far more important than a yard. So here again, we sit among the boxes and pray that somehow God will turn this into a grand, new adventure. 

 Saturday was one of those days where I sat among the boxes and ashes and just asked God what He is up to. "What next?" Actually, it was more like, "God, you gave me a glorious vision of what you want, when are you going to bring it to pass?" The night ended with one final, pitiful but heartfelt prayer. "Father, could you just show me that you are still here?"

Sunday morning I awoke like any other, wanting to get to church but not wanting to leave my cocoon. I woke my daughter, then read my devotion, and noticed a message. My first reaction was to delete it without opening it because I did not know the sender. On social media, I try not to advertise my singleness too often as it seems to be a magnet for crazy people (don't get me started on that one). Let's just suffice it to say, there are far fewer single true Christians than one would hope.

The message was from a husband and wife ministry team who had stumbled across my page on a mutual friend's share. After feeling led to pray for me, they then felt led to offer to me some encouragement. A voice recording was sent of them praying for me and surely the Lord sent them. 

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth.He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. John 16:13

It seems that Kathy and Pete Rodriguez and I share very similar paths. Their stories entail many of the same spiritual and earthly battles along the way to fulfilling the ministry that God called them too and I will forever be grateful that Holy Spirit led them to pray for this little gal 499 miles away with one mutual Facebook friend. Overwhelmed...thank you God, I see you are still here.

I arise to begin my day, my water heater has finally caught back up after my daughter's shower (bless it). I have my TV on to Jentezen Franklin as I do every Sunday when I am home. Two fold blessing, he always has a great word for the church and its my time clock as  I get dressed for church. The message..."Go and Do Likewise"  In this sermon on the Good Samaritan Franklin touches on "the robber, religion and the redeemer" . First how the robber comes to destroy lives, relationships and dreams to distract us from the purpose God has called us to. The enemy's job is to kill, steal and destroy. This is what the enemy has tried to do in my life lately, to kill my dreams, to steal my joy and to destroy my destiny. 

He then addresses religion, oh my, this one could get me in all kinds of trouble. Franklin delved head long into so many things that I could expound on. Do yourself a favor, please take the time to look up the sermon and to listen to it. The only thing that I will personally state about this. In the body of Christ, if we call ourselves by the name of Christ and we see our brother hurting, if we see them in sin, if we see them slipping away, if we see them in need we are to get involved. Lives, families, hearts  and souls could be saved and restored if we just get involved.

Finally, as he addressed the redeemer, Franklin's words reminded me that God saw me in my fallen state and he waited for my return. When I was not thinking of Him, He was thinking of me and that in this season He is still thinking of me when I cannot see his hand, when I can not hear his voice, when I do not see His plan. He has much invested in me and I am IN CHRIST. If He did nothing else for me ever again, its not about what I can do for Him, its about what He can do through me....Overwhelmed...Thank you Jesus for taking my sin.

This was our first Sunday in Sunday School at our new church, but I was determined to get us back into a regular routine. (ok... as regular as you can have in my house, lol). I get my daughter settled into her new class and make my way to mine where one of my best friends is waiting for me. It is here the Father reminds me of my purpose, the purpose for us all. 

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Phiippians 3:12

Overwhelmed....Thank you Lord, you took hold of me for a purpose.

Today our regular worship leader was not there, we had a visiting pastor and his family leading us in worship today. He begins by telling how there was a Divine appointment in the choosing of the songs for the morning. 

Doesn't matter what I feel

Doesn't matter what I see

My hope will always be

Your promises to me

Now I'm casting out all fear

For Your love has set me free

My hope will always be

Your promises to me

Overwhelmed...Thank you Holy Spirit for reminding me that we walk by faith and not sight and that the Lord alone is my hope. And then...No one will ever be able to stand against me a Child of the most High King as we sing God of Angel Armies. 

Chris begins to preach on Joshua 1:5-9, and if you read my blogs you know that God has had me camped out in these verses for some time now. Three times in this passage He commands Joshua and us to "be strong and courageous". In Chris' message he points, 1) God uses ordinary people (yep...that's me...ordinary), 2) Defining moments determine our destiny (yes they do and God has presented me with so many in my life, some welcomed and some not, but each have brought me to this place) 3) when you need a miracle, you plant a see of faith ( ok Lord, I hear you. please tell me clearly what the next step is and I'll put my toes in the water) 4) In the darkest night, light shines the brightest (yes Lord, I will shine for you even when I can't see where we are going). Overwhelmed....Thank you God for reminding me that You go before and I do not have to be afraid.

After the service, I stop by the product table and very inadequately attempt to express my thanks to the visiting worship leader for his obedience to the Holy Spirit. We chit-chat a moment and he asks if I do something in ministry. I briefly give him a run down of where God has me right now. I tell him how the whole service spoke to me so much, as I seem to be at an impasse at present and have been praying for God to give me new, clear direction. He asks if he can pray for me and we do. Then he tells me that his sister has women's ministry, gives me his card, and takes mine with a purpose of networking in the body of Christ. Overwhelmed... I stopped to buy a t-shirt, feed a child and support No Hungry Child @ www.nohungrychild.org. but Lord you have supplied yet another Divine appointment.    

Home for a few hours to regroup and prepare for our sing tonight. Then off to sing with a great bunch of gals and guys. I am blessed in that I love my job (well, most of it) and I love what I get to do in ministry for the Savior. I am also blessed to be able to discern spirits and there was a battle going on in the atmosphere last night. The enemy wanted us silenced. I gave a little bit of testimony to introduce a the song Honestly by the Issacs. This song has come to mean so much to us all as a group, but for yesterday it held a little extra meaning. As soon as we began to sing the devil was in the details. Before the end of the night we swapped out all three mic chords and still had trouble with the sound (despite the best efforts of our soundman) but the enemy is a liar, the show went on, Jesus got the victory and God got the Glory!

 I will  ask you to be in prayer for the souls that still hang in the balance. One soul in particular sat there in the pew, tears streaming down a face with an expression I know all too well.  The expression of a soul struggling to completely surrender to the Savior. I don't know the name attached to that soul but I felt led to plead with that soul to surrender it all. I pray before that soul, lay their head on their pillow last night, that all was settled in Heaven and on Earth. Will you please pray with me for that one?

The pastor came to me after the service, he said "little lady, there is an anointing all over you. You can just see God's hand all over you and He has something big for you to do."  Overwhelmed...thank You Father for allowing me to be Your hands, feet and voice. 

I know that this has been another very long entry.  I apologize and I don't apologize. My Father showed my His  presence, His love and His mercy today. He reminded me of his promises to me and His purpose for me. He reminded me that He is orchestrating my life and His hand is on me.  To God be the Glory! 

This is for someone else today. He has you too. He has given you promises. He has rescued you from the deep, dark pit or the miry clay. Maybe you have not felt His presence lately, maybe it feels He does not hear your prayers. Maybe it feels He has forgotten you. 
My friend let me assure you He is there. Look for him in the smallest of places, the shortest of conversations, in the middle of your despair, in the fiery furnace with you, in silent sweetness of the morning hour. Let His love and grace and mercy, His goodness and His faithfulness overwhelm you today.

But may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus, the Messiah, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world! Galatians  6:14 

Who am I that He is mindful of me? I am overwhelmed...

My music today is from a sweet friend of mine. John Jeffrey is the piano player for the Bowling family. His talent is incredible and he works hard for the Kingdom of Christ. He will always hold a special place in my heart, I am blessed to know him.  

The Terrible Danger of Wasted Potential

I am fully convinced that most days God spends His time shaking His head in disbelief, laughing at our audacity or grieving over our lack of obedience. He must frequently find us a source of comic relief and disappointment.

If anyone were truly born with a silver spoon in their mouth, it would be Solomon. Even in this, there  was not enough. In Solomon's home there were no silver spoons. His family and friends, vast as the number be, dined day in and day out on platters and plates of purest gold.  There was no luxury He did not possess, known to the world at his time. The king would frequently send voyages of explorers out to find the rarest of treasures known to man. Under his ruling, David's fortune was multiplied time and again.

Solomon received not only his father's vast fortune but he was a horse trader. He received the equivalent each year of 1 billion dollars in income. Suffice it to say, the man had it pretty good.

Give your servant therefore an understanding mind to govern your people, that I may discern between good and evil, for who is able to govern this your great people?” (1 Kings 3:9)  

Don't you know it thrilled the Father when Solomon asked this request? Can't you just imagine that the Father said "finally, someone gets it". 

Now, we believe in a sovereign God, One who has seen all there is to see from the beginning of time, but don't you ever wonder, does God look at us and think, "maybe this one will surprise me"? Somehow, I think He holds out hope that just maybe one of we feeble creatures, will exercise our free will and just surprise Him, in a good way. My friend Lee tells me frequently "nothing takes the Lord by surprise". He has a favorite quote, "there is no panic button in Heaven"  He says God, Jesus and Holy Spirit are not up there in Heaven going, "oh no!" "did you see what Shannon did, we have to go fix that!"  

Did you you notice the reason for Solomon's request? So that he might be able to discern between good and evil to govern the people. Thankfully, today, we as believers have that same knowledge available to us on a daily basis. Through scripture and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we have the same knowledge of Solomon. 

An individual was privy to a gathering in a church not long ago. The person reported of a leader who portrayed a satirical character. This character was supposed to be a humorous way to get a point across, however what my friend did not know is that I already knew about "the show". The "church leader",  is known for controlling the church members with the fear that they will be the next person characterized in this "show". This same satirical character comes out anytime someone "needs to be taught a lesson". My friend knew something was not right about this, what they did not know was this was evidence of the Jezebel spirit.

Yes, I said it! This is exactly what this is. This is manipulation, plain and simple. A manifestation of a spirit that sadly controls far too many churches these days. 

A couple of days ago a friend and fellow writer published a piece on church hurt. The type of manipulation and lying spirit that is controlling the church I spoke of earlier is in hundreds of thousands of churches large and small across the world. Gifted individuals who may have once had an anointing on them have fallen prey to evil and wicked spirits and now command them to their own agendas. There are people we naturally want to believe, your pastor and staff are some of those. But when a person takes a minute piece of the truth and twists it and turns it until it is unrecognizable, that is witchcraft. 

Galatians 5:19-21  “Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."


Do not confuse God's silence with His approval. He will only tolerate such behaviors for so long. I know , He tolerated far less from me for much less time. He will send his children warnings from the Holy Spirit and if we are wise we will heed to that warning. 

There was one problem with Solomon's request, while asking for wisdom to govern the people, he did not ask for wisdom to govern himself. On the day of the consecration of the temple, there was a party to top all parties. The whole of the land was there for the dedication. Solomon was at the top of his game. He was king during the most glorious period of growth and profit for the children of Israel. This day was the pentacle and the pivot for his reign. 

On this day too, God chose to warn Solomon not to get too full of himself or to get careless. You see, part of the problem with a little power is it goes a long way. There was not a greater king than Solomon in all the history of history. His kingdom rivaled that of the pharaohs. He had riches, power, land, and wives and concubines in excess. So what was the problem you may say?

Lust, pride, greed...call it what you will. In asking for all that wisdom, he forgot to ask how to use it. Solomon's lust for extravagance had led him to take wife after wife, even those who practiced idol worship and witchcraft. These pagan gods were still being worshiped and God himself had warned Solomon to be careful of being influenced by this idolatry when Solomon chose to take these extra wives. 

Free will can be both a curse and a blessing. So can the teaching of Grace without repentance. You see many times God will allow us to follow our own course, even when the Holy Spirit urges us to choose the better path. God allows it but that does not mean that He honors it. Why?

Because the better path will ALWAYS lead to Glory for the Lord and not ourselves. The path of righteousness will ALWAYS align with HIS word and will and not our own.  

Solomon had EVERYTHING any human could possibly desire and yet in the end he spoke these words in reflection of all that he had learned after tasting all that his fleshly desires craved.: 

Ecclesiastes 7:25 I tried to understand, examine, and comprehend the role of wisdom in the scheme of things, and to understand the stupidity of wickedness and the insanity of folly. 7:26 I discovered this: More bitter than death is the kind of woman who is like a hunter’s snare; her heart is like a hunter’s net and her hands are like prison chains. The man who pleases God escapes her, but the sinner is captured by her. 7:27 The Teacher says: I discovered this while trying to discover the scheme of things, item by item. 7:28 What I have continually sought, I have not found; I have found only one upright man among a thousand, but I have not found one upright woman among all of them. 7:29 This alone have I discovered: God made humankind upright, but they have sought many evil schemes.

One, at this point, would wish to ask Solomon "WAS it really worth it?" You see, Solomon had found favor in God's eyes as a young man. Because of David's murderous actions, David could not build the temple of God and the chore was given to his son Solomon. The prince with the most potential. The child hoped to be the one to finally usher the children of Israel into full reconciliation with Yahweh and yet he could not even heed his own words.

Do not desire her beauty in your heart, Nor let her capture you with her eyelids.26For on account of a harlot one is reduced to a loaf of bread, And an adulteress hunts for the precious life. 27Can a man take fire in his bosom And his clothes not be burned? Proverbs 6:25-27

Solomon sold his kingdom for a piece of bread...He turned his heart from Yahweh. He erected temples to worship the gods of his Moabite and Eddomite wives. His kingdom torn from his hands and only a fraction given to his son to ensure the line of David would continue. Wasted potential. 

Solomon was not alone either, many more...Sampson, the rich young ruler, the prodigal's brother, Judas...the Pharisees; each examples of lives anointed for an intended purpose, yet each allowed themselves to succumb to temptation though each knew where their true source of strength lay.

There are many leaders today, like Solomon, who once had the anointing of God. They once had the potential to be mighty warriors for the kingdom of Christ, yet they have chosen to worship at the alter of the gods of pride, lust, manipulation, self-seeking and deceit. 

As Christians, it is our responsibility to empower ourselves with the Holy Spirit and grasp the discernment to protect ourselves from falling under the influence of these (who while only God can judge their souls), the outwardly manifestations do not align with the fruits of the Holy Spirit. If something does not seem right, check it against the word of God. God will NEVER instruct someone to do something, nor will he ever honor something that does not align with His word.

 It is also the responsibility of those of us claiming to be anointed into positions of leadership to seek the face of God daily; to not only seek wisdom but to apply wisdom. It is our responsibility to guard our hearts, to die to self daily and to follow the voice of the Holy Spirit when it nudges our souls to avoid the idols of this world. 

Just as surely as I believe that there will be consequences eventually for our sins here on this Earth, I believe that on the day of judgement there will be answer made for not living to our fullest potential in Christ. God can't minister to or through our masks, He can not bless who we pretend to be. 

The good news, there is nothing God can't redeem, if surrendered by a repentant heart. Its not too late to reach your potential.

Finish Well

 

As we sat down to dinner last evening, my daughter and I were discussing her choices of male companionship in her circle of influence. Mostly we were discussing whom I considered to not be an option for her. One name in particular was called and she asked why. Slipping back into my old ways, I proceeded to tell her that the family for many generations had had many problems, most which included abuse of drugs and a history of violence. She mentioned the mother and said, “well, I like her”. I assured her that I did too but that the father was incredibly unpredictable and volatile. I then made the comment, “she should have left him many years ago.”  My eight year old quickly jumped into the conversation at this point and in true Holy Spirit fashion, my son uttered the words that placed me under incredible conviction; “Mama, you’re not supposed to get rid of people.” 

Ouch!!! Out of the mouths of babes…the Holy Spirit sometimes speaks. I had to humble myself at that point. My reply, “I’m sorry son, you are right. People are not paper plates. We just can’t throw them away.” 

You see my kids and I know what it feels like to be paper plate people. My little one, with his old man wisdom, is affected the least by this “syndrome”. My daughter understands this feeling more. It weighs her down and I have seen this bright, precocious child become withdrawn and guarded. Now don’t get me wrong, she has never been a “little Miss Mary Sunshine” and she was never one to take easily to new people, but now she distances herself even more than usual. On a positive note, this has kept her from getting into many of the typical teenage troublesome situations and has brought she and I closer, I believe. 

It is my oldest child that I worry most about, right now.  Next week may be another story.  Right now my oldest seems to be going through that part of the grieving process that the three of us left at home have already gone through and while every day is a different struggle, the two younger children and myself, seem to finally be seeing some joy again. 

What many do not know is that my oldest child has felt the sting of abandonment his whole life. His biological father abandoned us a month before his birth. He made the obligatory appearance to the delivery room, inebriated. Missing every part of the twelve hour labor that Thursday, except the actual birth,  he left immediately after delivery to take my car and his girlfriend to a town just a few miles away for the rest of the weekend on a romantic getaway at a bed and breakfast.  He returned to the hospital the following day with his mother and left as soon as she did. Two days later on Mother’s day, after having to contact the B & B where he was staying to let him know we were finally being released, he appeared hours later to drive us home to the deceptively perfect house at the lake, where once again he left us to return to the alcohol, drugs and other women.  There in our two story prison, a scared, inadequate young mother and the four week early, small ginger haired infant began our walk together.  His father returned for one month, then disappeared again, leaving behind divorce papers and a trail of heartache and debt. 

I married again when my son was only three. This man became the father my son had always longed for, the father that he (…we) thought would be the glue that held us all together. When my husband left in the fall of 2012, my son was already on his own and he did not feel the immediate impact.  My first born began making his own plans and building his own life and had much to occupy his waking hours. Only now with all of the preparation out of the way and the monotony of everyday life, does he finally feel the full brunt of it all, and is having to come to terms with the feeling that once again he has been abandoned.  

 I am not foolish enough to believe that I do not bear some responsibility for his pain, but my son has been gracious. As we sat in the Chic-fil-a in Goodletsville TN last summer eating lunch before my return back to Georgia he said to me “mama, stop apologizing. No one should ever have to apologize as much as you have. The difference in you, is you chose to stay and do the right thing.” 

 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing. 2 Timothy 4:7-8

Stay and do the right thing.  These words were a balm to me. You see there was a time when I wanted to run away. In the winter of 2012, at the end of a horrible depression following an emergency hysterectomy, all I wanted to do was escape. Feeling neglected, rejected, unloved and unloveable  the thought to run away from my children, husband and job were almost overwhelming.  If you are a mother, I know that you have those moments where it feels that everyone matters but you.  This is a lie of the enemy that we readily buy into. We place everyone above ourselves and the enemy uses this motherly characteristic to beat us down, divide the ranks and conquer the family. I am so grateful for a God who loved me enough to provide a Holy Spirit to awaken me from my slumber. 

My children look to me now as their absolute North.  It would be so easy to allow the enemy to get into my everyday activities. He has tried to make me bitter and envious. When false accusations, and contempt has come against me, my oldest two children have asked, “mom, why don’t you fight back?” My answer is always. God will fight these battles. 

Right now I know that they, like I, have had their doubts in this God they were raised hearing about , singing about and working in the name of. I am certain that in their eyes too, for just a little while, God got smaller. So if I can do anything for them, it is to restore their trust in our Heavenly Father.

Each child has a particular anointing on their lives and I am claiming and believing that each will walk in the fullness of the Lord’s plan for them. I am claiming and believing that the enemy’s schemes will be thwarted and that every plan raised against their paths will be cast down. I call forth the Holy Spirit in each of them to awaken their souls from slumber and thrust them forth on the path that God has laid for them and bring them into the purpose and plan for which they were born.

When people hear my story, usually the first thing that is said is, “you are such a strong person” to which I immediately reply, it is Christ within me which is strong. I have learned, devastatingly, that I am nothing without Him. I can face nothing without Him and I can withstand nothing without Him. 

He who overcomes will thus be clothed in white garments; and I will not erase his name from the book of life, and I will confess his name before My Father and before His angels. Revelation 3:5

 Twice Joseph finds himself in pit not of his making. First, his brothers place him into a well to until they decide how to deal with him. He is their arrogant little brother and their father's favorite child. Petted and spoiled, he antagonizes jealousy in them, just by being alive.  Joseph's brothers harshly dealt with their little brother, when a good sound beating might have just been sufficient enough to take him down a peg or two. 

Next, to save her own pride and reputation, Potipher's wife falsely accuses Joseph of assaulting her. His punishment? A pit. Fifteen years he awaits beneath the city streets. I have often said that we romanticize the Biblical characters to the point that we take away their humanity. You know Joseph was angry and rightfully so. This last injustice has not only taken the wind out of his sails, but has re-opened the wound of the previous betrayal. Of course he is angry. He is furious! 

In his mind he is replaying everything. "if my brother's had not sold me into slavery then I would not have been in Egypt in the first place" "If"... "if"... "if"... and with every utterance of this two letter word Joseph's rage and hatred and bitterness grows. There is absolutely no way that Joseph walked into those prison walls like he owned the place and said "Thank you Lord for putting me here." Sorry to disappoint you, but it just did not happen that way. 

What we get from the Biblical texts are snapshots of his life. What we do not see are the nights he lay awake in that filthy prison, crying out to a God that he is not even sure is listening. A God who he knows could, with but one word, snap the bars of the prison doors to free him yet for some reason chooses to let him remain, until the time is just right. 

I believe there are things working behind the scenes while Joseph is there. Potipher's wife is a wicked and manipulative women, yet even these finally have their day. I believe her true character was finally revealed during Joseph's time in the pit.

When he is once again restored to an even more powerful position (that is the favor of God) Joseph still struggles with his fleshly feelings of anger and resentment. If he had been the man we perceive him as, he would have hastened to his brothers that day and hugged them and forgiven them and told them they were right to throw him into the pit and there would have been a big celebration and .......but he did not. He payed them back just a little bit. 

By the time of famine, another son had been born to Jacob and while he could not take the place of Joseph in his father's heart, Benjamin had become their father's favorite. The older brothers had lived with their guilt for so long Joseph recognized how it had worn them down. He could have said "I am your brother Joseph, Go and get our father." But he didn't. He falsely accused them and imprisoned them for three days.  After three days in the very same prison where Joseph had spent fifteen years, the brothers were humbled and ready to agree to what ever Joseph commanded. The order was given that nine would return to feed the family and collect their belongings only to return to Egypt with the entire tribe. Simeon would become the bargaining tool. A brother for a brother.

The brothers then began to turn upon one another, throwing accusations and lamenting the actions against Joseph from years past. Only then did God prick Joseph's heart. He wept at the sight of the true remorse and Godly sorrow of his brothers. 

So the nine brothers returned with their youngest brother and father, the family was reunited and they all lived happily ever after. Joseph finished well.

In the last few months I have faced my mortality more than ever before. I have friends, my age, that have walked the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  Death has called my name as well in the last few years. I have wrestled with my faults, my short comings, my fears and my failures. I have had to look at myself in the mirror of the Savior’s reflection and take an account of myself.  And repent…a lot! Obedience is the hardest job we mere mortals will ever face. Yet it is the one thing required of us.

In re-evaluating my life in the light of all that the Holy Spirit has shown me, the question looms in front of me…what now? 

Well, now I get up every morning and try to be the hands, feet and face of Jesus. I will do my best to show them, in the last half of my life,  that despite your beginnings you can change and that God uses us no matter what our age or circumstances. I want them to see me in this next phase of life, love people and serve them,  both lowly and lofty.  I want to live so that my children can see that even a mother with shortcomings such as I can be transformed by the grace and mercy of a just God. I wish to restore their faith that even though there are some things that God cannot do there is nothing He would not do; to show my children that I trust this God who unlike mortal man, never disappoints.  I want to show my children how to climb back out of that pit and that despite how we got there, whether through our own devices or being shoved into the dark recesses by the actions of others, that there is a Savior who sees us in that pit and there is a God who redeems us from every horrible and devastating situation we have ever faced.

I do not hide my flesh from my children. They see every tear I cry. They know how every injustice angers me. Yet in my anger I do my best to not sin, I do the very best to leave it in the hands of a Savior who, when all is said and done will show me favor somehow in the sight of my enemy. He has promised me that. 

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. Acts 20:24

 

When my last breath is drawn and my eyes close in the sweet slumber of death, when I awaken to my Savior's face and hear his words,"Well done, my good and faithful servant..enter in",  I hope that He will grant me the opportunity to see through time and space. I would like to look down upon my children. It would be my desire to hear the intimate conversation of these brothers and sister as they recall the woman that God transformed me into. My goal in life is simple now. On that day I want to hear my children say three things:

 "She, (in the power of Christ), was the strongest person we knew."

 "She loved."

 "She finished well."

Then as the portals of Heaven close... I can enter into my rest.

Homeward Bound-Kristene Mueller