"Little Girl, get up!"

I had my entry for this week almost completed but then ….God. I apologize ahead of time for the length of this blog, its more like reading a small novella. Then again maybe I don’t apologize, maybe one person will read this , who too has been trapped in a season, for entirely  far too long. What ever, it is what it is, and I just had to get it all spilled out onto the pages, for my soul and spirit are overwhelmed.  There is so much I want to include and I get a little caught up in the details.

 So, as I sit here with my warm cup of coffee, looking out at the beautiful fall view over the lake here in Old Hickory Tennessee, both courtesy of Patty and Brian Halstead, a thought comes to my mind. These beautiful trees with their gorgeous reds, golds and various tones, which fully represent the hues we have come to expect in every Fall scene, are more representative of the season of life that I have been in for a while and am currently in. A season that I am certain the Lord is now bringing me out of.  The words new start, fresh fire, fresh wind keep coming to me over and over. New beginnings…that is the word that has been confirmed to me over and over again for weeks now and just this very morning was confirmed once again.

My last course required the reading of two books. Women Who Lead by Mary Paul was the second of the two. The previous book, like all of my previous text books, was torture to get through. Honestly, I did the minimally required amount and on the first, I just did not even get past chapter three. Most are historically based and while I like history, there is just way too much to absorb fully in such a short period of time. Dreading having to read a second book in a three week period, I procrastinated as long as I could and then the beginning of the book made me want to shout! Before reading the first paragraph, the very first words in the introduction “Little girl, get up!” were words the Holy Spirit spoke straight to my heart. I worshiped in the first line, I wept in the first line and I was healed in the first line.

For years now, I have struggled in my call, knowing that God had called me to this "thing". This thing that made no sense, this thing that came out of brokenness. The brokenness that has enveloped me like a dark, damp cloak that I have not been able to fully shake, has been a constant companion for far too long.  The enemy had stolen so much from me and though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord’s hand was on me through this entire time, every step forward was hard fought, like walking in deep mud. The deep mud that grabs at your feet and legs and sucks you back in a little further with every step until it finally exhausts you to the point of submission and you surrender to its clutches. I think of the remains found in tar pits. Surely somewhere in the beginning there was a natural instinct to fight and survive, to do whatever it takes to press through and come out on the other side. Yet some get stuck. That was me, I was stuck. Drowning in the muck and mire, while all around me there were voices telling me what to do, scriptures to cling to, sermons to listen to, all well-meaning and an essential part of the healing process, it was not until that one voice said to me directly, “little girl, get up” that I could rally the strength to push one last time to stand up, to rise, to be resurrected.

Last week was one of tremendous battle in my home. The enemy of our souls hit hard and dirty and fought mightily to destroy me early in the week, speaking into my ear, every insecurity and fear and all the guilt and shame rushing back into me like a tsunami. Months of prayer, meditation, studying were all in forgotten in an instant with the words out of the mouth of the one the enemy uses to torment me most. When the enemy’s assuage against me was not successful, that spirit then attacked the only thing I possess that means anything to me any longer, my children.

In July of 2012, I stood before our assembly of at least 500 of my peers and leaders, knowing already the call that the Holy Spirit was leading me too, and with trepidation, I with a heavy heart uttered the words to admit to and confess the emotional affair that I had been involved in that was my portion of the downfall of my marriage. Knowing full well, that one day these men and women in positions of leadership in my district would be my contemporaries, I had no other choice, but to obey the voice of the Holy Spirit that said "speak the truth".  When all was said and done, a gentleman walked up to me that evening, I did not know him, just another layperson in the crowd, he said to me “the Lord wants me to tell you to stand, stand up”. Years later, I still will, from time to time, receive a word from the Lord in the most unusual places; the evangelist that says “thank you for standing, continue to stand” , the layperson who will quote,  Ephesians 6:13-14, and the random sermon. My stand began with Ezekiel 37 in the Valley of the Dry Bones, when I received the promise, before my world fell apart, that God was going to breathe new life in my old, tired, dead, dried-up, and wasting bones.

So as I read the first line of the book by Mary Paul, I felt that fresh wind from the Holy Spirit, saying to me “This is what I have been trying to say, this is what I want you to do. It’s finally time to get up!” Most of us know well ahead that there is a specific call on our lives. While every Christian is called to be carriers of the Good News and stewards of service, there are those of us that are placed in positions to be used for assignments divinely designated to impact in broader fields of harvest. The need to share the Gospel goes beyond the telling of the neighbor and there is a deeper sense that there is more to be done.  That is the only way to say what I feel. That bubbling up inside of me there is something, anticipating, effervescent and waiting (impatiently, I might add) to burst forth and be bigger than myself.  For me it is a tangible thing, I feel it, I hear it, I see it and I crave it.  I sit in my cocoon in a position of slumber, of crouching; of helplessness (and sometimes hopelessness) agonizingly anticipating the moment that the Spirit calls me forth to be whatever it is that I am called to be. 

Mary Paul states in her book, “Little girl, get up” is the deep call of God with the good news of the resurrection to all women who have been bleeding out like the hemorrhaging woman, with no place to go, as well as those who are slowly dying in a limiting state of privilege like Jairus’s daughter.”  Oh my! How I gets this statement. For the last 18 years, I was involved in music ministries in varying degrees. Singing in choir at our local church, performing trios with our minister of music, traveling with various evangelists and leading worship, performing in our own full time Southern Gospel mixed quartet and eventually singing trio with our oldest son, I traveled throughout the southeast sharing the message of Christ in song. Thousands fell under the sound of our voices and yet in our privilege, I continued to walk in the shallows of our calling until the enemy slowly and subtly lulled me into his snare to slumber. The guilt of our fall, what it did to our children, to our extended families, to the church family and to the thousands of anonymous faces, had me “bleeding out”. I could not get the guilt to subside and single-handedly carried it around like a martyr.

“Sometimes the call is to rise up to the fully reconciled relationship of love with our God”, I understand this fully as well. Being raised in a sporadic Calvinist background, born into the charismatic movement which the Baptist Church desperately tried to disassociate itself from at the time, the God I grew up hearing about was angry and vindictive and was constantly searching for some reason to damn my soul to hell, as if I didn't give him enough reason already.  There was little talk of the love of God with the exception of Christmas and Easter, you know the feel good Holy days. The bible stories were just that, tales of days long ago and seemingly so far-fetched that if they could indeed be true, surely this God that the preacher spoke of every Sunday, had given up on humanity since rescuing Daniel from the lion’s den.  It has taken quite a journey for me to reconcile my guilt and shame and fully acknowledge that the One truly unconditional love is available to me. My father and grandfathers having died when I was still quite young, being abandoned my first husband after only a few short years and then once again being abandoned by the love of my life, the enemy whispered constantly to me that I was unlovable and that therefore, God’s love and acceptance was conditioned on how “good” I could be.

Oh how exhausting it is to constantly be performing.  I can imagine the exhaustion of the hemorrhaging woman. In her illness, I’m certain she performed daily. At first she performed that act of seeing physicians, trying to hide her illness, then desperately seeking more and more medical attention, to cling with any hope to anyone with whom she had had intimate relationships. Did she have a spouse, children, a mother and father, that she could no longer touch, caress or even come into their presence because, despite her helplessness in the matter, she was considered unclean? In 2009 I spent a six month period of time, bleeding for 25 days out of every month, due to a condition called hyperplasia. With the discovery of this illness and another separately occurring disorder, the decision was made to perform an immediate, partial hysterectomy. In the months prior to the surgery, I would become weaker and weaker with each passing month. Fatigue has always been a companion of mine, I do not every remember a time when I have ever awoken feeling fully refreshed. But to understand this to a little degree is to be completely overwhelmed at the thought of suffering with bleeding for twelve years.

The woman was desperate for relief; the very language of the gospels implicates her exasperation. She pressed through the crowd, implying that she had to use great force, but then the woman says, “If I can just touch the hem of his garment”. The hem being the lowliest portion of his attire, meaning that she would have been risking her very life to press through this mass of pushing, pulling and grabbing humanness, on her hands and knees. In a place of supplication, very much like the death slumber of Jairus’s daughter, she was as low as she could possible get, and yet she still had the hope that if she reached up, not even to the man, but just to his garment, his power would make her whole. 

 I believe in both stories God meant to reach human kind with the message, “at your lowest point there is hope, look up”. In that one phrase, “Talitha cum”, my hope was restored, my spirit resurrected and my soul refreshed. I like to use a term called “Godisms” these days, yes I made it up, but there is no other way to explain these unexpected nuggets that come from nowhere and reaffirm everything the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me. This one line spoke to me in ways that left me weeping with tears, springing finally from that joy that had so long eluded me.  The joy that in my soul, slumbered, hovering at the brink of death, that joy that with two words once again is able to leap forth to tell the world what the Savior has done for me.  

Many of the studies I have participated in, many of the sermons I have watched recently and the advice that has been given to me was to praise my way through this and out of this.  In my own experience it has been praise has been the thing that has kept the smallest glimmer of hope alive inside of the shell that I had become.

 Jentezen Franklin, in his book The Spirit of Python, states “Because when we begin to praise the Lord chains are broken, prison doors are opened, the fog of depression evaporates and fears back up. Our worship is a powerful thing. Expressing praise to Jesus is denying Satan the very thing he wants most.”  Mary Paul demonstrates that it is not so much Satan, but our own rebellion that ushers us into oppression. She attests that is not so much by one individual choice but the hardening of our hearts a little at a time that lulls us into the slumber of death. I would whole-heartedly agree with her statement “she has listened to no voice. She accepts no correction. She does not trust in the Lord. She does not draw near to God”. Paul could very well have been writing about me in the year of 2011, just prior to my beginning my indiscretion.

Roll back the curtain of memory now and then, Show me where you brought me from and

Where i could have been. Just remember I'm a human and human's forget, So remind me, remind me dear Lord

Sunday morning, I awoke as I frequently do, with a song that the Holy Spirit placed in my heart. Remind Me Dear Lord was the song this morning. I began the morning believing that the Holy Spirit was taking me back into the past to show me some error of my way. For many people strolling down memory lane is just that, a stroll down memory lane. For me, it is like swimming in shark infested waters, there is always the possibility that something can go terribly wrong. There are so many painful memories juxtaposed with the good, I have to constantly remind myself, as Jentezen Franklin says, to "not let the bad, eat the good".

Several years ago, a reoccurring theme in movies was time travel. It is for people like myself that in God's mercy time travel is not possible. I will already relive a moment over and over, out guilt, frustration, desperation, I will replay the scene constantly wondering what could have been done differently. It is this personality flaw in me that often causes me to sink quickly and deeply in the mire of the past. It is this flaw that invites the old friend despair to come and sit a while, to take up residence in my mind and inhabit its innermost corners.

In the last couple of years, I have been privileged to meet and get to know many truly gifted people. Song writers who can sit down to a piano, play a couple of notes and within minutes have written a song that speaks and ministers to millions. Artists that can use their media and talents to encourage the masses and so adequately express the love of the Father, yet with each there is often a season just before extended periods of creativity, when depression and despair attack from out of no where, when hopelessness shrouds their days and nights. Scattered throughout the Bible there a multiple examples of this same pattern. Elijah, having fought so valiantly against Jezebel and the prophets of Baal, once having victory, entered into a cave, so depressed, feeling so alone and hopeless that God himself had to send him the very little food he ate. David often battled periods despair, just before great victories.

So as I sang the familiar words to the song, I was afraid, once again, that I was being transported back to glean yet another lesson that had not been learned before, while wading through deep waters of regret. Oh how merciful God is. "Little girl, get up" once again rang in my spirit. God so mercifully said to me, "I want you to see have far you have come."   As I lay there in the early morning hours, once incredibly painful memories played out in my mind once again, yet this time there was a strength and hope that stirred inside me that had not been there before. It was as if God was saying, "I've been there all along, I've held you in my hand, you do not have to fear the unknown, I will be there as well."

The enemy has wanted me dead. There is no question in my  mind, this is so. He has continued to assault my mind and body to wear me down, to give in, to succumb to his plan... But God has had a plan all along. Now I do not subscribe to the fundamentalist thought that God is in control of everything. My God would not cause pain on purpose. It was not God that caused my father to die early, not God that caused my first husband to emotionally and physically abuse me, not God who cause my multiple miscarriages, not God that has allowed these migraines for twenty five years, not God who brought about the destruction of my marriage. It took me a very long time to understand that this world was placed in chaos when man fell. Ron Carpenter, in his sermon “Glory”, describes how that through the evil that caused man to fall, evil entered the world. I said very early on in my journey that I chose to believe that my God did not see all of this coming. I could not have believed in a God who had caused all of this, but yet chose to cling to the God that held me while evil came at me in an onslaught.

Last January, while in a season of fasting, God graciously revealed to me some answers this side of Heaven. I have this habit of trying to fill every moment my kids are not with me. It is self-preservation to an extent, that I keep busy when they are not with me. This particular Saturday  morning I had many plans to busy myself and keep my mind occupied, however, the enemy wanted me down and depressed that morning and I awoke to a migraine yet again. At 5:45 I awoke to the familiar pain that begins over the left eye and sears its way through the skull and brain to the back of my head, and then wraps its tentacles around the base of my skull, squeezing the muscles so tightly that it causes ridges along the scalp. Then the fingerlings creep down into the spine into every nerve in the spinal column and feels as if the pain is attempting to wring out the spinal chord of every drop of life giving fluid. It was this pain that I awoke to that morning as I do so many other mornings. I immediately went to my devotions that morning. and discovered the words that have become my life verse. "Satan has asked to sift you as wheat from the chaff, but I have prayed for you. that your faith  may not fail, and when you turn once again, strengthen your brothers".  Medication taken, I drifted back into deep slumber that only medication can bring to me. I awoke again a couple of hours later, the pain still present, I again went to a devotion, and there once more was Luke 22:31-32. One more dose of medication taken, and again sleep came. All day long, I drifted in and out of sleep, and all day long I continued to get this same verse. Satan had asked to sift me as wheat, to destroy me, to destroy my testimony, and Christ himself had prayed for me!  I knew immediately that there was more for me to do.

This past Saturday evening the owner of one of my prayer groups on Facebook, Janice Le, posted a question to the group. Did anyone else feel like they were coming into a new season? The response was encouraging and something akin to sad, so many broken people, so many desperate circumstances, so many women going through incredibly difficult season, with two things in common, 1) all had been in the darkest times of our lives and 2)all felt a sense that the seasons were ready to change and usher us into something bigger and better than the season before this. Amongst all the evidence of dead situations, we all still clung to hope in our Lord. 

So as I climbed out of the soft warm bed this Sunday morning, into the cool early morning air and began to get dressed for the day, I felt such encouragement. I knew that I had to get to the house of God . The old enemy tried his best to get me stirred up, (poor ole idiot has tenacity, I will give him that), once again using my kids to try to discourage me. My daughter tried her best to convince me that she did not need to go to church, and I do not know how to make her understand that the enemy uses these "little tricks" to lure us away from the Holy Spirit. Finally, we stepped out into the crisp, cool fall air and headed up to Hendersonville for church.

As I walked into the church the atmosphere was charged with the presence of the Holy Spirit and I knew instantaneously, that in this moment, this is where I was supposed to be. I have not felt such freedom to worship in far too long. Back in July, Amanda and Aaron invited me to the church they were planting just outside of Nashville. I had been in Nashville several times, since then, but had not had opportunity to attend church there yet. Walking into the building, my son who has been even more clingy if possible, since the divorce, agreed to go to the children’s department  with no argument ( a miracle in itself!) and my daughter very unhappily sat down beside me.

The praise and worship time washed over me like a balm, calming and invigorating at the same time. Amanda began to speak at the time before the offering and read from the account of Jabez. How even his name had been a curse and he prayed for God to not only prosper him, but to enlarge his territory. And then he prayed for God to keep him from evil, asking for God’s hand and His heart. Oh how precious to know that we can ask for and receive God’s hand and heart! That is what I long for. To be in the center of his will, to have His heart and be guided by His hand all the days of my life.

Then Aaron began to preach, and oh can that boy preach! His mama is proud and should be, lol. He spoke out of 2 Samuel, how the Ark of the covenant represented God’s presence and how when it was captured David knew he had to get it back, how Eli fell dead at the knowledge that the presence of the Lord had left them. This is what happens with us as well, when we walk out from under the Grace into sin, when we ignore God’s instruction and walk in our own path, when we are intentionally disobedient, we are as dead men. Though God will never leave us or forsake us, we can walk out of His presence.

Every song sang, every word of the service just more confirmation of all that the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me for weeks on end.  I left feeling something I have not felt in so very long…joy.

Now if you know anything about me, one of the things you know is that I am not a morning person by any stretch of the word. I awoke this morning to my 5 am alarm, which is highly unusual, perhaps it was the incessant barking of my grand-dog Harlow, that rousted me from my slumber most of all. Whatever the reason, I arose at 5, dressed warmly, and drove to the church for the 5:45 prayer meeting. Because, I know very little about the area, I had to rely on my GPS (Backroads Betty) to guide me, apparently she knew little of the area too, and I pulled up in the parking lot about 10 minutes late. All was well as the Holy Spirit was already there, and I got there just in time for the corporate prayer. My goodness, once again the spirit was moving and I felt the spirit speak to me, “you are right where I want you to be”.  Visions were shared and God was exalted. 

I have had a hard time as of late, in that yet another relationship has come to an end, amicably, but it is hard to let people leave your life, even when you know they are only there for a season. And since this friend has been in my life to bring about other Divine appointments, it is even harder to see them go. But Aaron had a word this morning that I know was just for me, once again, new beginnings. That a new season is being ushered in and the old has past away, even what was good is to be left in the past and in the new season, God will bring about His purpose.

So it is with renewed hope, renewed joy, renewed peace that I write to you today my friends. To share with you that there is hope, there is a God who sees you in the blackness of your night. That Jesus came and died so that His blood would be the atonement for all our sins and that His resurrection power can be alive in you; both, giving life to new dreams, new visions and new seasons.  I share with you now the words that will usher in my new season, my season where God will enter me into His presence and the fullness of His purpose for me, a purpose far greater than myself. The words I will claim as my anthem, that will forever be a reminder of the resurrection power of Christ in my darkest season, when all seemed  lost for so long and only smallest the glimmer of hope survived in the deadness of my circumstances. I will say it as a mantra and as a prayer. I will carry it in my spirit as testimony to the strength the Holy Spirit has instilled in me. Talitha Cum! Little girl, get up! 

Stand and Deliver

It is impossible for us to know the way that we might change the destiny (if there is such a thing) of one person, should we choose to stand up to the injustices of this world. Perhaps that is God's greatest gift to us to not be able to know the influence we do and do not have over evil in this world. Perhaps is a curse which will lead us into eternal damnation. Perhaps knowing right and not choosing to stand for it is the ultimate sin. Perhaps it is not the choice for our own sake but it is in  the choosing to ignore the injustice to others that condemns us most of all. 

When I say to the wicked, 'O wicked man, you will surely die,' and you do not speak to warn the wicked from his way, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity, but his blood I will require from your hand. "But if you on your part warn a wicked man to turn from his way and he does not turn from his way, he will die in his iniquity, but you have delivered your life Ezekiel 33:8-9

Dietrich Bonhoffer has been quoted as saying “Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.”  

In 1925, Hitler gave his first public speech as a member of the Nazi Party. The first Jews were transported to concentration camps in 1941. Approximately 36 million eligible voters resided in the regions of Germany at the time of the elections that propelled Hitler into his highest power. 5 million voters stood between 6 million Jews, 47 million soldiers, another 6 million civilians and unnecessary horror. In simpler and maybe more realistic terms, every one of the voters who did not vote against Hitler could have saved 11 human beings. 

I do not know about you, but when you look at it in that light, it is humbling to think that one person could have so much influence. 

Now, please do not misconstrue my meaning, I am by no means equating the small injustices in life  to the Holocaust or to the enormity of the human plight itself, but suppose, just maybe suppose, that one person, willing to say the hard things, willing to make someone mad, willing to lose a friend for the sake of saving his eternal soul,  could have made a difference. 

I am willing to be that one. 

A conversation was had yesterday between my self and a friend. She stated to me that that a family member was celebrating a life event and she was conflicted not knowing how to feel about it. Of course, I couldn't tell her how to feel, and I have lots of words and opinions but I had to refer back to the Word of God for this one.

I reminded her that God will never approve of something that His word speaks against and also that the Holy Spirit will never speak to us to do something that is contrary to the Word of God. God is not one way and then another. He does not tell us in one place that something is a sin and then permit it later on. If we are call ourselves Christians then we are held to a higher standard. Yes, I know, all have sinned and fall short, but it is what we do with our redemption that matters most. 

I am aware that there is a movement right now to preach grace only. It makes us feel good to hear that grace covers our sin and I do not discount that in any way. Yet wisdom says that after grace, there is a requirement of Holy living.

 The very definition of repentance includes the turning from the sin, without the turning, its just an apology. When Jesus rescued the adulterous woman, his words to her, after her accusers fled were, "go and sin no more" He did not say it was okay for her to keep on sinning. He required a turning. I believe that line he drew in the sand, was his line where he stood and said no more. No more to the sins of the accusers and no more to the sins of the woman. The metaphor drawing a line in the sand,  is regarded as a point beyond which, once the decision to go beyond it is made, the decision and its resulting consequences are permanently decided and irreversible.. Jesus, in drawing that line, is calling us out!  Without our turning from that sin, the blood of Christ would then be wasted. 

Hebrews 6:6
and who have fallen away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.
Hebrews 10:26
If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left

Over this journey God has taught me one thing, taking responsibility is hard. It hurts. It is not easy to have our greatest sins exposed. Even if we are the one to expose them. I am grateful for the people that held my feet to the fire and would not let me make excuses for my behavior. It was only in the facing of my own demons that I was able to find the assurance that my heavenly father will take care of me. 

Another friend came by tonight. She herself going through a terrible divorce after years of begging her husband to give up the other woman and try to save their family, she now has resigned to the fact that he is not willing to turn from his sin. The apology came, the other woman turned away temporarily, then the realization that the other woman was never very far away. She came to talk, she came to apologize. "I should have tried harder, I should have said something more. I just didn't know what to say"  I get this, really I do. How many times have I sat back secretly condemning an action yet never saying a word?

Her face drawn, her eyes rimmed with tears, she then says "never will I ever sit back again and not say something or do something" "I've learned that silence is the same thing as approval in the mind of the person doing wrong"   

Have truer words ever been spoken?  Hitler had convinced himself that his madness was the thing that was right. The people liked the young charismatic personality and while most of his ideologies were valiant on the surface, the darkness of his soul was very soon uncovered. However, despite considering themselves a Christian nation, the German people were willing to overlook and ignore small red flags that just did not seem quite right. 

Is this not what the enemy of our soul does? He drags us subtly into sins, one small step at a time. He convinces us that others are to blame for our sin and he lures us with the promise that we are justified. He traps the bystander in the chains of silence and unfortunately, if the Holy Spirit has urged the bystander to stand for what is right and they do not, the snare is laid for the same fate to befall them as well. Perhaps this sounds a little far fetched to you. I have seen it play out. The very actions which were covered over and not formally addressed came to pass in the lives of those who chose not to take a stand. 

We should never assume that because we did not say that sin is right, that the sinner understands we know it is wrong. The sinner knows it is wrong, but the silence supports the need to believe it's okay.  

I am not saying that grace should not be applied. I do not contend that we do not need to love the person and condemn the sin. I am saying we need to be sure, in loving the person, we warn them to turn from the sin. I would question (and have on many occasions) the love of the person who is willing to let the sinner continue on a path that places them in danger of eternal damnation. I, for one, do not want to be the person that loves someone straight to Hell and take myself with them. I believe this is what the author of Ezekiel warns us against. 

'I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.16'So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth. Revelation 3:16

One might even take this act of ignoring sin as a form of lukewarmness. Francis Chan in his sermon, 17 Signs of Lukewarm Christians states "Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict. They desire to fit in both at church and outside of church; they care more about what people think of their actions (like church attendance and giving) than what God thinks of their hearts and lives." I would expand this even to say the lukewarm Christians are more concerned with offending, rather than saving the sinner. 

We preach, warning every man and teaching every man … that we may present every man 

perfect [mature] in Christ Jesus. To this end I also labor. (Col. 1:28-29) 

In August  of 1942 Jan Karski, a Polish journalist and freedom fighter, had himself smuggled into the Warsaw Ghetto. The Jews were herded like zoo animals into ghettos, surrounded by barbed wire and patrolled more securely than most prisons. From 1942-1945 America and its allies watched in curiosity, somehow, still not completely convinced that the atrocities were a reality. Karski, approached British foreign Secretary Anthony Eden, giving an eye witness account of the horrors he had seen.  While Eden seemed to be sympathetic, he chose to not pursue for political purposes. Karski, then took his appeal to the Supreme Court of the United States and to prominent US News tycoons, who barely batted an eye at his stories of torture and genocide. 

2000 years ago, in Pilot's court, His own people chose to turn their backs to the wrongful persecution of Christ. In not opposing the injustice, spurned the cruelty of the soldiers and made a mockery of the Son of God. Instead, choosing to shout the popular demand to release the murderer Barabbas in the place of the Savior of the World. Only one voice came to stand for justice, Pilot's wife. One voice, who in standing for the truth, may have saved her own soul from Hell that day. 

You may say that it was God's will for His son to die that day, I disagree. What kind of parent would one be to will their child to die? It was the Father's will for all to come to a saving knowledge of Jesus. It was His provision for the blood of the ultimate sacrifice to cover our sins once and for all and in man's unwillingness to speak out against the sins of the world, Christ became that one voice, that one man willing to stand in the gap for all. 

I implore you, brothers and sisters, when the time comes, Stand and Deliver. Stand up against atrocities great and small. For the sinner's sake, for your own sake. Do not waste one precious drop of blood. And for those who remain faithful He gives us these promises. 

See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.

‎Revelation 3:9 

Psalm 91:14
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name

There is a scene in one of the Madea movies, that stands out to me. I can't help it, it is just hilarious.  A car cuts Cora off on the road, just as she finishes telling Madea about her WWJD bracelet. Madea, tells her to throw the bracelet at the man who had cut her off. As ludicrous as this sounds, there is inadvertently a message here.  What Would Jesus Do? Jesus came, and lived and died to right wrongs, to stand up for those who could not stand for themselves, to level the playing field, as it were. To confront sin and injustice, in what ever station he found it, whether it be the catacombs or the synagogue. We, as blood bought children of God, carry His name. Carry it well. What would Jesus do? Stand and Deliver!

In Christ,

Shannon

Oh, Sovereign Lord...You Alone Know... Part Three

The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”4 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’ Ezekiel 37:1-6

Oh, Sovereign Lord... you alone know...

Part Three

I begin and end this portion of my journey going back to March of 2012. It was after the Holy Spirit led me to discover a photo., that the Lord began to deal with me on the subject of Forgiveness. Forgiving is one of the hardest things we as Christians face. When someone speaks the cliche "forgiveness is for you, not the other person", they have absolutely no idea how true that statement is. Forgiveness is also a truly misconceived ideology.  God will take a contrite and broken heart that is willing to forgiven and begin to prune that person. The act of forgiving is not easy, but it is required. So what does it look like? I wish I could adequately give you words, but I am convinced that just like the working out of our salvation, so is the process of forgiving, a individual journey.  For me it began that night the Holy Spirit led me to search in a place that I never would have looked into before. As I held onto the door frame, the room spinning, my knees buckling, my heart bursting inside of me, I asked the Lord, "what do you want me to do with this?"  The words were as clear as if someone had been standing beside me, "I gave you a clean slate, he gets one too"

This also began a part of my journey that only can be attributed to the Lord.  For just a little while we slipped into something akin to what our life had once been.  This would not last long though. Once the enemy has had you in his grasp, he is never eager to let you go again.  It was at this point that I began marriage counseling, alone.  I will never forget the words of Chris Dixon as he said to me "hurting people hurt people"  It took me a while to understand this, but these words have been instrumental in the healing process for me.

One morning, while sleeping peacefully in our little camper, the Holy Spirit woke me to command me to begin the process of forgiving the the people who had harmed me the most. I could not believe what God was asking me to do. I was to write a letter to the two people who were determined to destroy my family and ask them to forgive me for the way I felt about them. Let me interject here, Christianity (true Christ following) is not for the faint-hearted. Surrendered obedience is hard, it is painful and the Lord will ask you to do things that make absolutely no sense in our human minds. Once this task was accomplished, within days, the Holy Spirit laid many others on my heart to do the same thing with. Some knew I had had hard feelings against them, to some it came as a shock. With the exception of the people who had most wrong me, every other one was gracious and merciful. With the completion of the last letter, the Holy Spirit began to minister me in ways I would not understand at first, but would later come to be most grateful for.

Immediately following my act of obedience, the Holy Spirit began to align my life in ways, that I never could have seen. God is merciful when He does not let us see into the future. Our feeble mortal minds could not bear the burden of it. I had been in my current position for several years. Within days of sending a letter to my special education director, and receiving an incredible gracious acceptance from her, the Spirit began to lead me into alignment with the will of the Father and Divine appointments. One Wednesday night the Lord began speaking the word "transition" to me. The very next day a new position was offered to me, out of the blue, a transition into a new school and a new level of responsibility. What I would only begin to understand later as favor, had begun.  It is at this point Jesus, planted people into my path who would be instrumental in saving me just months from now.  After much prayer and fasting the position was accepted and I moved from my comfortable, routine job into a new school and a new position.  Unbeknownst to me, God was lining up people and opportunities to rescue me from the hands of an enemy that was determined to silence me at any cost.

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.' Jerimiah 33:3 

The pain continued to be more than I could bear. There were weeks on end, when the only thing on my stomach would be a tortilla, since that was the only thing that would stay down. There were days when even a tortilla was not even tolerated as my body began to turn against me from the guilt that ate away at my very soul. If you have never had the enemy speak lies to you, you would not believe how easy it is to accept the words of the wicked as the truth. Having been told, that if I had not done what I had, my marriage and family would have been fine, I bought the lie hook, line and sinker. I internalized the guilt and bore it with a physical pain that almost destroyed me.  I spent days and nights crying out to God. All summer long, I cried in my pillow, I lay prostrate before the Lord, I begged him to perform the miracle that only He could. 

Strangers began to approach me and speak out a destiny that God had appointed. Each prophecy was identical to the one prior. And each time, God would send another person to speak into my life, the enemy came back at me and my family in relentless waves. Just before the summer came to an end, my husband came home from a work trip that had lasted several weeks,  The day he came home, he did not tell me he was on his way and within a couple of hours he showed up at my office door. My heart sang, thinking how sweet it was for him to surprise me, I prayed in that instance that this was the day that everything would be turned around, miraculously restored. As I walked from the building, my hopes were crushed.  What should have been a joyous reuniting became a heart wrenching realization that the enemy was not through yet.  

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

August 1st, I had taken all that a human could take. It was a Wednesday night, the children and I went to church as always, my husband had been home a couple of days and was working on a part-time job. It never ceases to amaze me how the enemy of our souls is so relentless. Having been raised in a sporadic at best religious upbringing, I had no idea how to fight this enemy. I began to join marriage restoration support groups, to pray scripture over my family, over all parties involved, and while this sounds like a great idea, for those of you not versed in spiritual warfare, when you begin to pray for those ensnared by the devil, the demonic activity begins to escalate quickly.  

This spring just as the weather began to turn, my daughter and I were home one day. I peeked out the window to see a snake of some sort slithering on the top of the net of the trampoline. My neighbor came driving into his driveway as I am contemplating how to kill this snake. I called across the fence and he graciously but reluctantly came over to help kill this snake.  With my shovel he pounds away at this snake, however the ground being so soft, it was difficult to kill the slimy little rascal.  He struck the shovel over and over again, until my neighbor had stunned him and began to cut off his head.  The neighbor toted the snake out of the yard and to the driveway in which he laid that snake down on the ground. The body continued to coil and and strike as if its head was still intact. Even without a head, this enemy  was still lashing out. Still searching for something to strike. Is this not exactly what Satan does. Satan was around at from the very beginning. He knows the Word better than most of us. He understands what the end will be like, and still he does his best to change the outcome.  One person, one family, one church, one community at a time. 

That August evening, in desperation, all I could think to do was escape. To get as far away from the pain as possible. After taking my children to my grandmother's home for the night, I was up all night pondering what should be my next move. At every turn more and more deception was being revealed and just as I was learning to trust again, the walls continued to crash around me. There were times that it seemed as if certainly, I was living someone else's life. Guilt became a way of life, I was told over and over that if I had not done what I had done, this all would not be happening. I embraced the guilt that was heaped upon me daily, emotionally flogging myself as pentenance for my inability to repair the damage to my family. 

At this point, there were many new people coming into my path. More people coming in speaking to me words of knowledge. The Lord was placing new friends into my life who possessed spiritual discernment and deepened relationships with friends who were spiritually more mature than my self to help me along this journey. As the end of my marriage drew near, God was gracious to increase daily, the ranks of prayer warriors and spiritual mentors to envelop me and show me the power and love the Lord has for me. 

My brother married in 2007, I knew that Jennifer was a godly woman and I knew that she was a good friend but I will say that I never knew the spiritual strength she possessed. During my darkest days, she stood by me and checked on me daily. She prayed and interceded for me continuosly and without this crisis, I would never have understood just what a treasure she is. Lori had been my friend since she and I met, though cousin to my husband, she had always been one of my best friends and when I needed her most, she crawled into the trenches with me fighting all the powers of Hell with me to save my family. Kay  became my surrogate mother, though my own was more than willing to listen, Kay embraced me and my kids as her own and filled a void for my daughter that no one else could have at the time. Tiffany and Glyenda had been women that I barely knew and yet became my guardian angels here on this earth and Karrie taught me what I did not know about Spiritual warfare. My aunt Susan took on the role more like the sister that I never had. Holly and Valerie, though far away, lifted me and my kids in prayer daily. Marquita, the last of the people whom the Holy Spirit had me ask forgiveness of, became my crusader. These women and many more, listened tirelessly as I poured out every emotion, every raw thought, every lie of the enemy. They held me as I cried rivers of tears, some even curling up and crying with me. 

A week from my husband's leaving our home, the Holy Spirit had me restless. It was a Friday night and the Holy Spirit kept speaking to me to go to Women's retreat. I had not been in years, I had not signed up for retreat and I really did not want to go. What I wanted to do was to curl up in my bed, pull the covers over my head and cry as I had every night since February. As my husband came in from hunting that night, I told him that I needed to go. I could not get away from it, I was miserable, the voice of the Holy Spirit finally louder than the demons that pursued me.  

As I walked into the darkness of the auditorium, I was already in tears, the Holy Spirit continuosly speaking to me on the 10 minute ride to the campgrounds. I entered with hesitation and anxiety. It was within these walls, just months earlier that I had confessed my sins against my husband, my family, my church and my God. How would these women receive me? Would there be ostracism? Would there be condemnation? 

I sat at the end of the aisle, at the back of the sanctuary. Tears continued to flow as the speaker began. Every word resonated with me, every story she shared had some word for me from the Holy Spirit, though it seemed this was the case in every sermon I had heard recently. I drove home that night, still uncertain as to why I had felt so compelled to be there. 

I returned the next night and the same scenario played out, the same feelings, same emotions, same reactions. same drive home. Sunday morning I rise to prepare for church and cannot shake the feeling that I need to be in Ladies' Retreat. While my family turns left into town from the road on which we live, I pull my car out to the right to take me to the camp once again. 

One final time, I walk into the auditorium for the Sunday School lesson. My friend Martha is delivering the lesson and as always does a fantastic job. A break is given and the final service of the retreat begins. Allison begins to sing and introduces a new song. She then begins to speak one final time. I cannot tell what the message was that day. I cannot tell you what the songs were. I only know that every word felt as if it were for me alone. Sitting in that pew, I felt as if she knew exactly whom she was speaking to and it was as if someone had told her my innermost thoughts and feelings. The only words I do remember were "there is someone here and God is calling you into a ministry. you have been running from this. you need to come see me after the service".  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my fourth person had spoken to me the calling the Father had placed on my life. 

I did not go down to see her that morning. Yet she sought me out. I had gone to talk to Martha and catch her up on the disaster that was my life. Allison walked up to me and said "you're the one. You were supposed to come see me, but you didn"t" I said "yes, you are right"  she then said "God has placed a mantle of sorrow on you for a little while and when you are through this He will replace it with garments of joy. He is going to give you a healing ministry from this pain you feel now and your will speak to women that no one else can reach." "These women need someone to tell them they understand what they are feeling. They can't afford the Gloria Gaithers of the world, but they can afford me and you"  Then my friend said to me, "I have watched you the last three nights, and I have asked these women about you, I don't know if you know how much these women love you and how highly esteemed you are among these women."  That day Allison Speer became one of the women that the Lord placed in my life to encourage me and mentor me in this path He has now placed me on. 

Two weeks later, the world came crashing in around me once more and the final nailed was sealed in the coffin of my marriage. I had fought the good fight and had tried so desperately to show my remorse to my husband. I had attempted to be everything I had not been, to right the wrongs of my past and to show my beloved husband that I loved him and wanted to be with him. The enemy's influence was so much stronger and on that October day he walked out of an eighteen year relationship and the man that i had loved so much ceased to exist. 

It would now become apparent, the hand of God in my life. The answer to why he changed my position was immediately revealed, God continued to place key people into my path, people who had the spiritual discernment to know when to intervene. People to reach down into the dark and dismal places and begin to pull me out of the mire and muck. People to be used to pluck me out of the schemes of the enemy of my soul. Sisters in Christ who have held me and cried with me, who have sat in court with me, who have prayed with me, who have interceded for my children, who have provided us with vacations, extracurricular material possessions, labor, grass cutting, moving assistance, meals. Reaffirming that God provides for his people.

From that day in October 2012 to the present time, only the memory of our former lives remains. In its place scars that have yet to fully heal. There are days when it seems that the healing is complete and then something happens, and the scab is ripped away opening and exposing the wound once again and the pain is fresh.  My children and I still struggle from day to day to understand how this has all come to transpire. And there are still days that I wake from intermittent slumber only to wonder how in the world did I get here to this point.

But I will tell you, God has walked with me this entire journey.

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. Isaiah 42:16 

I know that there are blanks here in my story and I will be filling the blanks in the future. I do not know what tomorrow holds for me and my children. I only dream of a time when the pain no longer takes my breath away or wakes me from my slumber. I long for the day that the sight of him does not tear my heart to pieces over and over and that the bile does not get caught in my throat at the thoughts of the two of them together. I look forward to the day that my children and I can have a family vacation or a holiday, or even sit down for a simple meal and not feel that there is this incredibly empty void as the centerpiece, when all conversations do not center around what we have lost and the ghosts of the past life do not consume our every moment. 

Stephen Furtick, of Elevation Church, in his sermon series Be Brave states "God often allows us to be afflicted with the very disease he has called you to heal."  He goes on to ask the question, "What if He wants you to see your purpose through your pain?" Mercifully and graciously, God has revealed to me the purpose for all I have endured. To share my story with a world badly broken and in need of a savior. 

so...

I share my story as a prayer that some how God will use me as an instrument of restoration. I pray somehow lives and marriages will be saved because of the testimony the Lord has given me and my willingness to share that testimony with others. 

I share my story so that you may see where God has brought me from and understand the depths of compassion that he has had for me. If you could understand how his hand has guided my steps. How he has provided me answers to questions that only should be answered on the other side of Heaven. Oh how precious it has been to know that he loves me so much that he has counted all my tears. He knows the number of hairs on my head and that Jesus himself intercedes on my behalf. I cannot fathom how much he cares for me. 

I share my story to let the world know that there is hope after tragedy. I pour out my soul to let you know that despite the horrendous circumstances that should have taken me out and the enemy behind it that still wages war against me, God is turning this tragedy into a ministry to help others, to heal others, to give others hope. 

 I do not know every thing that the Lord has for me but I do know that he has given me this promise: He will never leave me nor forsake me. He has promised He is doing a new thing in me. So I will continue to blog, to speak, to sing and to testify to the Glory of God the Father. 

 For now, I'm just a girl who has been broken, telling the world there is hope in Jesus. 

I would have despaired unless I have believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Psalms 27:13