Oh, Sovereign Lord... you alone know...
Part Two
As I begin part two, I take us back to that fateful January 15, the day God began to bottle my tears.
Things rocked on for another month. I grew increasing dis-satisfied with my life. I wanted to run away. To hide from all I thought was wrong. You see, the person under the conviction of the Holy Spirit, but still living in the full blown sin, will do their dead level best to find someone else to blame for their predicament. Everything that is going wrong is the fault of everyone else but themselves. Satan loves to use this trick against the soul under conviction. Its his swan song and so often it works to keeps that person from surrendering everything to the Lord.
A month later, came the day that changed my life, for the better and the worse. My sweet friend emailed me on February 23rd. "I don't know why I'm sending this to you, but the Holy Spirit told me to, so here it is. I'm here if you need me" She had no idea, but I knew exactly why the devotion on marriage restoration, based on the Valley of the Dry Bones scriptures, was for me. It was the day I had chosen to ask my husband to either go to counseling or give him the ultimatum of a divorce. I asked my husband meet me for lunch that day, intent on making something change. The Holy Spirit intervened once again and my husband declined. Furious, I left the training seminar I had been attending and cried all the way home. My prayer that day, driving home with tears flowing uncontrollably, "God if you are not going to change this, you had better change me" and to add to that, "God, if you want to restore this marriage, you are going to have to make me love him again."
Isn't it strange, that we do not feel like we are praying if we do not use certain language or a certain style, yet some of the most powerful prayers come in the shortest sentences from a broken heart. In that very moment, the love that I had lost was restored. I cannot explain it, as is the case with any miracle, there is no explanation.
When my husband came home that day, I was still furious and the tears that had been flowing from frustration had begun to come from anger and bitterness. It is a very dangerous course when you begin to stack hurt and disappointments. When pain and feelings of neglect are not expressed, yet stacked and pushed down into the core of your being, they becomes the very weapons that the devil himself pulls out and whispers back into our ears. The enemy of our souls loves to cause turmoil and destruction and will take any advantage that he can to destroy. When a woman feels that her feelings are not validated, she may speak out at first, then slowly, as she continues to feel that her needs are not met, she will internalize these feelings and push them down into that place in the pit of her soul where her deepest insecurities and fears lie. Her feelings then will take her to a place of desperation and in this place, everything that happens around her is internalized, she begins to think she can do nothing correct, that she is not appreciated, that no one cares and that she is not good enough. She will beat herself up when she feels you are. Every word that comes from your mouth, even praise, brings about a negative connotation. Should you comment, "your hair looks good like that" she hears, "the way you wear your hair most days does not look good". Your comment "you look like you've lost weight" becomes "you need to lose weight". The woman who is insecure and who does not feel validated, begins to feel invisible. She knows you cannot live with out the things that she does for you, however, she feels that no one would care about her if she were gone, only the things she is not there to do.
It is a lie straight from the enemy that unfortunately, most women buy into. We then take these feelings, though completely unfounded for the most part, and then project them onto our Heavenly Father. The Christian woman is incredibly susceptible to this kind of thinking. We feel that we are expected to perform, to out do the next person, to be more and do more. It was this unrealistic train of thought that had brought me to this point.
When my husband walked into our room that day, in my mind I heard "I want a divorce" yet out of my mouth, from the Holy Spirit came the words, "I want to work on this marriage" Unfortunately from his mouth came the words I never expected to hear..."I don't." He had discovered my devastating secret and unbeknownst to me at the time, was already in the throws of his own life altering affair.
Tears became a way of life for me that day. I raged at God, "why did you make me say that if you knew what he would say?" It was then in the middle of the night, the Holy Spirit confirmed my worst fears. I collapsed in the doorway as the shock of my revelation sank into my fragile being. As I grasped to make sense of it all, the realization came crashing over me like a waves in the midst of a storm, violently erupting against the shore, intent on destruction. I slowly stood to my feet, though I do not know how. Somehow, as I leaned against the door frame, I uttered the words, that came more like a groan than actual words, "Father what do you want me to do with this?" The immediate answer from the Holy Spirit was "He gets a clean slate, I gave you one."
Confrontation, occurred. I had begun reading the Love Dare several days prior to finding out this information. I continued to read and apply the exercises when my husband would allow. I can honestly say, completing the Love Dare was one of the best things that I could ever have done for myself. For you see, the dare is more about your own personal growth in Christ than the other person. When I prayed the prayer, "Change this or change me" I had no idea what I was praying. I will caution you my friends, DO NOT utter arbitrary prayers. The day I uttered those words in desperate hope, the Lord put a mirror up in my face and showed me every dark and disfunctional corner. This began a process of refining and pruning as painful as any journey I have ever taken.
It will come about in all the land," Declares the LORD, "That two parts in it will be cut off and perish; But the third will be left in it. 9"And I will bring the third part through the fire, Refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, And I will answer them; I will say, 'They are My people,' And they will say, 'The LORD is my God.'" Zechariah 13:9
When the Bible speaks that many are called, but few are chosen, it is through this refinement process that the Lord chooses those whom He can use. To say that the process is not easy would be more than an understatement. Satan has also recognized that this is a time when the soul of the seeker is most vulnerable.
By the time October rolled around, after many months of begging and pleading, it was still not enough to make him stay. My beloved husband had chosen another paths for our lives and without a say so in the matter, I was left in the ashes of a once beautiful life. The events of the past year were more than my mind could possibly comprehend. Clinging to the final shreds of hope, the Holy Spirit, led me to women's retreat and to the third encounter that would be to bring forth something beautiful from these ashes.
"I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’
Part Two
As I begin part two, I take us back to that fateful January 15, the day God began to bottle my tears.
Things rocked on for another month. I grew increasing dis-satisfied with my life. I wanted to run away. To hide from all I thought was wrong. You see, the person under the conviction of the Holy Spirit, but still living in the full blown sin, will do their dead level best to find someone else to blame for their predicament. Everything that is going wrong is the fault of everyone else but themselves. Satan loves to use this trick against the soul under conviction. Its his swan song and so often it works to keeps that person from surrendering everything to the Lord.
A month later, came the day that changed my life, for the better and the worse. My sweet friend emailed me on February 23rd. "I don't know why I'm sending this to you, but the Holy Spirit told me to, so here it is. I'm here if you need me" She had no idea, but I knew exactly why the devotion on marriage restoration, based on the Valley of the Dry Bones scriptures, was for me. It was the day I had chosen to ask my husband to either go to counseling or give him the ultimatum of a divorce. I asked my husband meet me for lunch that day, intent on making something change. The Holy Spirit intervened once again and my husband declined. Furious, I left the training seminar I had been attending and cried all the way home. My prayer that day, driving home with tears flowing uncontrollably, "God if you are not going to change this, you had better change me" and to add to that, "God, if you want to restore this marriage, you are going to have to make me love him again."
Isn't it strange, that we do not feel like we are praying if we do not use certain language or a certain style, yet some of the most powerful prayers come in the shortest sentences from a broken heart. In that very moment, the love that I had lost was restored. I cannot explain it, as is the case with any miracle, there is no explanation.
When my husband came home that day, I was still furious and the tears that had been flowing from frustration had begun to come from anger and bitterness. It is a very dangerous course when you begin to stack hurt and disappointments. When pain and feelings of neglect are not expressed, yet stacked and pushed down into the core of your being, they becomes the very weapons that the devil himself pulls out and whispers back into our ears. The enemy of our souls loves to cause turmoil and destruction and will take any advantage that he can to destroy. When a woman feels that her feelings are not validated, she may speak out at first, then slowly, as she continues to feel that her needs are not met, she will internalize these feelings and push them down into that place in the pit of her soul where her deepest insecurities and fears lie. Her feelings then will take her to a place of desperation and in this place, everything that happens around her is internalized, she begins to think she can do nothing correct, that she is not appreciated, that no one cares and that she is not good enough. She will beat herself up when she feels you are. Every word that comes from your mouth, even praise, brings about a negative connotation. Should you comment, "your hair looks good like that" she hears, "the way you wear your hair most days does not look good". Your comment "you look like you've lost weight" becomes "you need to lose weight". The woman who is insecure and who does not feel validated, begins to feel invisible. She knows you cannot live with out the things that she does for you, however, she feels that no one would care about her if she were gone, only the things she is not there to do.
It is a lie straight from the enemy that unfortunately, most women buy into. We then take these feelings, though completely unfounded for the most part, and then project them onto our Heavenly Father. The Christian woman is incredibly susceptible to this kind of thinking. We feel that we are expected to perform, to out do the next person, to be more and do more. It was this unrealistic train of thought that had brought me to this point.
When my husband walked into our room that day, in my mind I heard "I want a divorce" yet out of my mouth, from the Holy Spirit came the words, "I want to work on this marriage" Unfortunately from his mouth came the words I never expected to hear..."I don't." He had discovered my devastating secret and unbeknownst to me at the time, was already in the throws of his own life altering affair.
Tears became a way of life for me that day. I raged at God, "why did you make me say that if you knew what he would say?" It was then in the middle of the night, the Holy Spirit confirmed my worst fears. I collapsed in the doorway as the shock of my revelation sank into my fragile being. As I grasped to make sense of it all, the realization came crashing over me like a waves in the midst of a storm, violently erupting against the shore, intent on destruction. I slowly stood to my feet, though I do not know how. Somehow, as I leaned against the door frame, I uttered the words, that came more like a groan than actual words, "Father what do you want me to do with this?" The immediate answer from the Holy Spirit was "He gets a clean slate, I gave you one."
Confrontation, occurred. I had begun reading the Love Dare several days prior to finding out this information. I continued to read and apply the exercises when my husband would allow. I can honestly say, completing the Love Dare was one of the best things that I could ever have done for myself. For you see, the dare is more about your own personal growth in Christ than the other person. When I prayed the prayer, "Change this or change me" I had no idea what I was praying. I will caution you my friends, DO NOT utter arbitrary prayers. The day I uttered those words in desperate hope, the Lord put a mirror up in my face and showed me every dark and disfunctional corner. This began a process of refining and pruning as painful as any journey I have ever taken.
It will come about in all the land," Declares the LORD, "That two parts in it will be cut off and perish; But the third will be left in it. 9"And I will bring the third part through the fire, Refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, And I will answer them; I will say, 'They are My people,' And they will say, 'The LORD is my God.'" Zechariah 13:9
When the Bible speaks that many are called, but few are chosen, it is through this refinement process that the Lord chooses those whom He can use. To say that the process is not easy would be more than an understatement. Satan has also recognized that this is a time when the soul of the seeker is most vulnerable.
Months came and went. I had never been as close in my walk as I was at that time. The Lord spoke to me daily, scriptures would come to me over and over. At least once a month, from somewhere, Ezekiel 37 would come to me, in devotions, in scripture reading plans, on social media and on TV. I knew beyond a shadow that it was the Lord's will to restore my marriage and family, however, the enemy was determined to have his way. Friends pleaded with my husband to repent and turn back to the Lord. Prayer chains were begun around the country. Friends and family grieved along with me and my children.
For one short month, after a desperate attempt to open my husband's eyes, it appeared that healing had finally begun. Though unbeknownst to me, the affair was only escalating with more and more people being involved in the deception. What appeared to be reconciliation became the backdrop for the biggest betrayal of my life. The final nail in the coffin came when the other woman obtained a job in the same office with my husband, with the help of family members. The betrayal was complete. The very people whom had once been my closest circle had participated in ripping my world apart at the seams and destroying lives forever.
By the time October rolled around, after many months of begging and pleading, it was still not enough to make him stay. My beloved husband had chosen another paths for our lives and without a say so in the matter, I was left in the ashes of a once beautiful life. The events of the past year were more than my mind could possibly comprehend. Clinging to the final shreds of hope, the Holy Spirit, led me to women's retreat and to the third encounter that would be to bring forth something beautiful from these ashes.
"I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’
