I Hate Kate!

Well.... I really don't hate her. For years I watched John and Kate Plus 8. I watched as the squirming little NICU grads came home and I watched as the family fell apart. I watched every single irritating moment of their television lives. I never missed an episode of those cute little toddlers and dysfunctional couple who made them. So today I turn on the TV as I'm eating my vegan hot and sour soup. There on TLC is now the even more irritating Kate Plus 8. Perfectly coiffed, extensions in place, face lifted and tummy tucked she just gets on my last nerve. Really what I need to feel is grateful. Why? you may ask. Well, you guessed it...I'm going to tell you.

You see, I used to be Kate. I was that mother and wife.

For most of my life I have felt out of control and grasping for it with everything in me. Growing up, my household was run by my mother who was even more controlling than I. In all of my schooling, my work and my marriages, there was always someone to tell me what to do. I was that child, student and wife who rebelled every chance that I could even if it was just in little, subtle ways. Perhaps the worst of me surfaced behind the scenes. As it is with so many of us control freaks, we save the unglued moments for those we should, and really do hold most dear.

This has been a week to really reflect on the subject as well. Last Thursday while having one of those nights when I just could not get to sleep, I began to scroll through my Facebook news feeds. I guess it was about a year ago that we all began getting the adds that would come across our pages every few posts or so. Tonight one of the ads captured my attention. As a woman who knows her purpose is to be involved in women's ministries, ads for conferences immediately catch my eye and I find myself clicking into websites to see if the conferences are near, affordable and if my schedule will allow me to go. This particular series of speakers was an online conference and of course I was on it. I registered, got the confirmation email and confirmed right away.

Then I began to really take a look at the topics in the series. Every topic was something that spoke to the pain I have endured in my life. After watching a couple of the videos, I felt the need to thank the founder of the group. Not only did the speakers touch areas of my life, but I knew beyond a a doubt that these were some of the tough areas that God had told me to tackle and He had impressed on me how needed real and open dialog is in these areas. You see unhealed wounds will fester if covered for too long. Wounds heal best in an open atmosphere. The same can be said for emotional wounds. If we cover our wounds, if we push them down into the recesses without working through them, then we allow those areas to become infected. When I was young, my mother had a favorite saying, "we don't air our dirty laundry". While I agree, we don't discuss everything with everyone, there is a portion of this that I disagree with. If something causes us great pain, then we must talk about it with someone.

So when I saw the videos of these women who allowed themselves to be real and raw and vulnerable in their recovering, the memory of God's words to me were rekindled. "They need someone to tell them they have been through it and survived. They need someone to show them there is hope"  In not so many words, this is what the Holy Spirit spoke to me on the day He revealed the purpose of my pain.

Within a few moments, I reached out to the coordinator and founder. I thanked her for her obedience and for her candidness and gave her a tiny snippet of how and why this conference spoke to the areas in my life that had remained tender for so long. Within moments, much to my surprise, Ginny responded to my message. Days later I would get a phone call that would remind me that our God orchestrates his will and his timing in miraculous and extraordinary ways.

When my phone rang and displayed the number from New Jersey, my first instinct was to let voicemail kick in , but for some reason (uh...the Holy Spirit) I felt the need to answer the call. Ginny was on the other end of the line. It seems that two of her speakers had had emergency situations arise and she was in need of a speaker to finish out the series. She told me that she had been in prayer about what to do when she heard the Lord say, "I have already provided". Isn't this just how God works? So when she asked me if I could speak on "control issues", I laughed out loud and said, "girl, I got you covered". So here goes.

 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” 41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[a]Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42

Poor Martha, she is my former soul sister. I say former because I have uttered the very same words to God. Not about my sister, I don't have one, but I have about others. "Lord, don't you see I have done, _____, _____ and _____. You need to make them______." 

"But Martha was distracted", can I tell you how this resonates with me. Martha, dear Martha reminds me so much of what I used to be. You see, we as women especially will self-impose this image of ourselves that we want others to see and believe. We use control to deliver our performance. We tend to create in our minds the expectations that we think everyone else is placing on us. From the time we are little girls, we plan the wedding, the house, the 2.5 kids. We see in our minds eye this ideal that we have for ourselves and anything less we see as failure.

My need to control came from a place of fear. Fear of what people thought of me, fear of what people thought of my family,  fear of the unknown, fear of not being validated,  fear of not measuring up to a self-imposed standard that was impossible to meet. It was common for my family to vacation with other families when my oldest two children were younger. I was always the person who had to have a plan. One family friend even called me “the General” because I always had to have a strategy.

The enemy will also use these personality flaws of ours to distract us from our purpose, He will keep us spinning in circles, Having the same discussions and arguments, doing the same seemingly good activities yet all the while the chaos whirls around us. And those messages from our lives, our pasts, from the old wounds begin to replay in our minds over and over until we will make poor choices, choices not in God's will to try to fix the chaos and silence the voices ourselves.  

My husband and I traveled weekends in a huge gas guzzling Suburban towing an equipment trailer. Also in tow were our two oldest children whom I ruled with an iron fist as I had this unrealistic idea of what the public expected to see from us and my children suffered from my need to control the picture the world saw of our family. My need for our family to appear perfect led to many arguments and much discourse in our home. Our home was the largest among the members of our family and as such was the location for all family get-togethers. Days before any occasion the house would be miserable as I had created in my mind the image of what I wanted to project to the world and you know if Mama ain't happy, ain't no body happy. On what should have been a joyous occasion, there was always an underlying current of hostility, unseen by those I wished to impress, yet certainly felt by my family. I have no problem visualizing Martha scurrying about the house barking orders to everyone who came within her path. I have seen myself do so on many occasion. 

Me, Martha and Kate...and probably many of you as well, often feel that if we have to repeat instructions once more we will scream. If we have to ask more than once we feel unappreciated or devalued. What really is someone else's attention deficit or irresponsibility is internalized and it is here the enemy begins to whisper to us. "No one values you.' "Why bother? No one even cares" "Your efforts go unnoticed."  Many times they do, many times our families do take us for-granted, but it is at this point that we must remind ourselves who God says we are. 

In 2007 my youngest child came along in a most dramatic means. Born after a complicated pregnancy, 11 weeks early and at 2 lbs, our world was turned upside down. For weeks it felt as if we were drifting upon waves at the mercy of some unknown force. Immediately following this crisis my father-in-law and I both became ill. I ended up having to have an emergency hysterectomy in Dec of 2009 and by March of 2010 my father in law had passed away. The stress of everything was more than our marriage could stand. I began to feel un appreciated and in validated.  And began to try to control and manipulate my husband even more. There was a time when I even withheld intimacy in order to try to control his actions. I had lost myself in the chaos and in looking to him for validation, in stead of Jesus, I gave the enemy a foothold into our lives.I had sacrificed my family on an alter of false pretense. 

It was at this point in 2012, that the Lord began to deal with me on my Martha tendencies. He began to show me that while the Martha's of this world are needed (let's face it, we get things done) it is okay to be Mary for a while. As a matter of fact, it is when we come and sit at his feet, just soaking in His presence that he delights in us the most. He longs for quiet times with us to communicate, to cry, to speak and listen more than even we do. As my journey continued to unfold, He would show me how the quiet time with him would become essential keep the clamor of Martha at bay. Once, unwillingly becoming a single mother the tendency to thrust headlong into duty can often become overwhelming and it is easy to slip back into those patterns as comfortably as slipping into one's most comfortable outfit. 

About a year after my husband left, my pastor sat at the alter with me and asked me a question that began to change my thinking. You see I had been standing for my marriage and my husband was about to marry someone else. My pastor looked at me and simply asked “What if?” “What if you husband doesn't come back?” “What if things don"t turn out according to your plan?” “What if God doesn't fix this?” Would you still serve him?” I had never thought about this. What if my plans were not God’s plan? This began a process of surrender for me. And surrender for a control freak is not an easy process. This was truly when the hard work began. Hope deferred had made my heart sick and shame surrounded me as I should have known better. .

You see at this point my fear had led me to the point of pride. Pride that I knew better than God and that my plans were good enough and he should just let me have my way..Now.  I even found myself trying to emotionally manipulate God himself. You know, a spiritual temper tantrum. Like a petulant child, I was holding my breath with God.

In his book Good or God, John Bevere writes “It doesn’t matter how good something looks, how happy it makes you, how much fun it is, how rich and successful you’ll become, how deeply spiritual it appears, how sensible it seems, how popular or accepted it is—and the list goes on and on. If something is contrary to the wisdom (or Word) of God, it will ultimately be detrimental and bring sorrow to your life.” In our need to control our circumstances and our impatience when God’s timing is not ours, we often settle for something we determine as good instead of  waiting for God’s best for us. It was during this time that I began in soak my self in God’s word. What did He say of me? But most importantly what was His character? 

We are quick to say that everything happens for a reason, and I do believe that this is true, but when you are the one walking this journey it is very difficult to remember this. You begin to believe it may be punishment. It is easy to allow the circumstances to overwhelm you. In the midst of your pain, it does not feel like a plan. It feels like chaos.

When your spouse chooses to leave, when the diagnosis comes, when your finances take a devastating blow, when death rears its ugly head, it does not feel like any plan you want to participate in.  When well meaning people are quick to tell you that God had this in his plan all along, you begin wondering just how much does God hate you, that this would be His plan for you. When Jeremiah 29:11 is offered to you from those that are surely well intentioned, it is easy to think surely no good can come of this.

I do not know why God chooses to intervene at times and not at others. I do not know why illnesses are not healed this side of Heaven. I do not know why once Godly people choose to walk their own paths. I cannot fathom the whys, the wheres and the hows of this mortal existence. I find it hardest to know that He is capable of all things and yet, he gives us free will instead of making us follow his plan. I understand that He wants us to choose to be obedient and to choose to be obedient out of love and not responsibility, but the Martha in me wants to go to him and say "see me", "make something happen", "fix this". 

I have had to re-train myself, when I feel the chaos emerging. I’ve had to remind myself of who God says I am. What He says about me and what He says about Himself and replace those old tapes running in my head. I have to make my self pursue quiet time with the Lord and replace the noise and clamor with His word. I must remind the myself that he calls me his beloved, I am his daughter, I am joint heirs with Jesus, I am the apple of his eye and he delights in me. He will fight my battles for me, he will be my provider and my strong tower. No one can tear me from his hand and I am called according to His purpose. 

 One of my favorite quotes comes from Beth Moore, in a teaching from the book of Mark she states, “"My freedom came from that which nearly killed me." I understand this quote all too well. You see, it was during the darkest places in my journey the Lord showed me the most grace. He showed me who I am and who He is. He also showed me there are times to be Martha, maybe not Kate, but He wants me to understand that it is his desire for me to be Mary for a while and I'm good with that. For it is within the quiet times at his feet he will provide me with all I need for the purpose which He has called me to and for just a little while, the work, the worry, the chaos will keep, but choosing to be in His presence, with him is the better thing and the peace He gives me there cannot be taken away. 

And poor Kate? I really do pray this child will find Jesus. I don't hate Kate, but I pray that Kate will, like I finally had to, come to the end of herself and choose that which is better. Can you imagine the testimony this poor child could have and the impact she could make for the Kingdom of Christ given the media exposure she currently has? Charles Spurgeon once said,  “Nothing teaches us about the preciousness of the Creator as much as when we learn the emptiness of everything else.”  Kate...sit down honey, it's time to be Mary for a while. And me, I'll be looking for those Mary moments in a Martha world.

He Has Prepared a Table Before Me

Good morning readers and Happy New Year.

 I pray 2016 is being kind to you and that the Holy Spirit is  revealing to you new and wonderful things

 I apologize for my absence, and then again, I do not. As I normally do, I began this year fasting and praying. In the last month I have begun six different writings and was not able to get through any of them. Maybe the Holy Spirit will allow me to go back and complete them, may be that I  should just delete the ghosts of blog entries past, lol. For whatever reasoning I did not feel the freedom to write during this season, but instead to be like Elijah and allow the ravens to feed me and drink from God's supply.

 I will be honest, (you know I will), I really did not like the season I just passed through. It was painful, There were things to revisit, lessons to relearn, heart ache that came in like that estranged relative who comes in and makes everything and everyone uncomfortable, perhaps bringing up past pains and hurts that have yet to be reconciled, and with their presence enshrouds the soul in a strange mixture of sadness for the days of yore and longing for some hope of a semblance of something brighter in the future. Then it lingers there until you are left wondering "Is this the new normal?" "Is this all that is left?"

I will be the first to admit too, I do not like carnival rides and an amusement park can throw me into a tailspin quickly.Once, I was dumb enough to get on a roller coaster, okay it was a very small one, but what I found is I had to go down in the dips and back up the peaks to get to the end. I may be hanging on for dear life and I may be desperately trying to hold on to my lunch along the way, but once the journey began I had to take each dip and dive to get to the end and cling to the hope that the metal and steel beneath me would be sufficient to support me along the way.

 So when I unwillingly began this journey four short, yet long years ago, I was not prepared for the roller coaster ride it would become. I tell you, if I had not been here to witness the provision of the Lord and the attacks of the enemy, I would not have believed it myself. You see, coming into this journey I had no knowledge of spiritual warfare.

 I wasn't living for the wicked one but I wasn't his enemy either. A complacent Christian is not an enemy to Satan. He doesn't care if we love Jesus as long as we don't tell anyone else about Him. As long as we sit in our pew and attend our services he is fine with that. It is when we are out being the hands and feet of Christ that the enemy is infuriated.

And in the last four years, I have infuriated him. A lot. I have not keep my mouth shut and I have not covered his workings and I have not let him defeat me. In 2012 his goal was to destroy me. He was almost successful. But God had already set a plan in motion.

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.” Luke 22:31-32

If you have read my previous blogs, you know then that in my darkest hours the Holy Spirit has revealed to me that the enemy has tried to destroy me  to keep me from telling my story.It has also been the enemy's scheme to have me abandon my only source of strength, Christ alone.  Yet God has reassured me time and again that He has a plan to redeem those dark chapters for His Glory. 

I have found along the way that my feeble human comprehension has been naive at best. Bear with me here, I promise I'm not going too far off track. You see I thought that the ultimate goal was just getting onto that mountain top. If I could just get "there". But I have discovered so much about mountains and valleys. For a short while, the view from the top is spectacular, the air is crisp and clean, the feeling of grandeur is overwhelming and then if you are astute you begin to notice it is not enough. 

Do you know those people who never have to eat? You know those people, they seem to run on oxygen alone. They may nibble of things every now and then, they may keep their coffee or diet coke within in arms reach, but you have never really seen them sit down to eat a meal. Often times it is those very same people who, seemingly on the outside, have it all AND have it all together. 

Well...if you know me, I AM NOT one of those people! This gal likes her food! If you are my Facebook or Instagram friend you are mercilessly bombarded with my food pics (sorry, not sorry. Y'all need to know how to eat healthy. Wait, that's another blog) on an almost daily basis. 

The funny thing about those mountain peaks, nothing grows on a mountain top. There is no vegetation there. The rocky surface of a mountain top is constantly bombarded with wind, and rain and heat and all the elements of the natural world make a mountain top a very difficult place to live. Oh it is beautiful while you are there, and mountain tops have their purpose, but the mountain top cannot sustain you. 

It is in the valley that the fertile land lies. It is in the valley where the rivers run, the grasses grow, the animals graze and the fruit is plentiful.  

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies: Psalm 23:5

I have also found that it is in those valleys, in the shadows of those mountains, amidst the fertile fields of knowledge and enlightenment that this is where the King prepares His banquet table. Lavishly spread with all the valley has to offer, the finest fruits, the most delicate wines, the heartiest of meats, the offerings of our toil as we labor along side the Holy Spirit. 

While we toil and labor waiting for the harvest it is easy to look longingly at the mountain top where it appears our enemy sits taunting us from the the lofty ledges and with their lofty countenance. Not unlike an arena or stadium. Yet, in actuality God has allowed them to sit in the box seats to watch in envy as we dine with Him on the plenitude that He has placed before us. 

After our labor and toil through the growing season, our God invites us to come to sit and dine. He has taken the bounty of our labor and has prepared it. I like food period, but I like good food. I am also a cook that does not like  many hands in my kitchen. So it is many times as Father is preparing our banquet, it would appear that he is distant or silent. He is preparing. He is seasoning, He is letting us baste in the lessons we have learned in the labor. He is adding in those secret spices and touches that only He can. The unseen things. You know you always have that friend or aunt or grandma who will give out that recipe, but always leaves out just a little something or secret so that yours will never be as good as theirs. 

"In the presence of mine enemies" that also means that the enemy could not  stop the Lord's plans. My enemy was right there and yet was helpless to hinder all that God was preparing for His children and now as the banquet table is set before us, all the enemy can do is watch as we feast and God's favor is lavished upon us. 

The growling and groaning of their own empty stomachs becomes the echo that reverberates back to the enemy as Father God has prepared a table before us, in their presence. The enemy only a spectator in this lavish banquet as the Heavenly Father fattens us up and prepares us for another leg of the journey. Filling us with all that is necessary to sustain us as He leads us to yet another mountain top. Christ. The water, the wine, the bread of life. 

I'm just 47. There will be more mountain tops and more valleys. There will be more roller coasters (ugh) but He is teaching me to trust in Him who will be sufficient to hold me up and support me along the way. He will labor with me in the valley, He will prepare my tables and fatten me for sufficiency on the mountain. He will lead me where He wants me to go. He will guide my path to do His work, where ever that may be. My enemies cannot stop me, they didn't send me. 

I think that will be my banner this year. They can't stop me, they didn't send me. 

If we are obedient to the Lord's call and His purpose for us, then all the enemy can do with his fiery darts is  distract us and watch from the side lines. 

The second portion of this verse promises "you anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over"  .My flesh wants to boast on the wonderful things the Lord has and is lavishly pouring out right now, of harvests not planted, of lands not toiled, of cities not built,  but I can only boast in Christ alone who has been my provider and sustainer. The enemy will just have to sit back and watch,  I hope he likes what he sees. (insert sarcasm). With my belly full, I'm off to conquer the next mountain top and just as He has been, He will be...my God, through all of it.

Colton Dixon- Through All of It