Finish Well

 

As we sat down to dinner last evening, my daughter and I were discussing her choices of male companionship in her circle of influence. Mostly we were discussing whom I considered to not be an option for her. One name in particular was called and she asked why. Slipping back into my old ways, I proceeded to tell her that the family for many generations had had many problems, most which included abuse of drugs and a history of violence. She mentioned the mother and said, “well, I like her”. I assured her that I did too but that the father was incredibly unpredictable and volatile. I then made the comment, “she should have left him many years ago.”  My eight year old quickly jumped into the conversation at this point and in true Holy Spirit fashion, my son uttered the words that placed me under incredible conviction; “Mama, you’re not supposed to get rid of people.” 

Ouch!!! Out of the mouths of babes…the Holy Spirit sometimes speaks. I had to humble myself at that point. My reply, “I’m sorry son, you are right. People are not paper plates. We just can’t throw them away.” 

You see my kids and I know what it feels like to be paper plate people. My little one, with his old man wisdom, is affected the least by this “syndrome”. My daughter understands this feeling more. It weighs her down and I have seen this bright, precocious child become withdrawn and guarded. Now don’t get me wrong, she has never been a “little Miss Mary Sunshine” and she was never one to take easily to new people, but now she distances herself even more than usual. On a positive note, this has kept her from getting into many of the typical teenage troublesome situations and has brought she and I closer, I believe. 

It is my oldest child that I worry most about, right now.  Next week may be another story.  Right now my oldest seems to be going through that part of the grieving process that the three of us left at home have already gone through and while every day is a different struggle, the two younger children and myself, seem to finally be seeing some joy again. 

What many do not know is that my oldest child has felt the sting of abandonment his whole life. His biological father abandoned us a month before his birth. He made the obligatory appearance to the delivery room, inebriated. Missing every part of the twelve hour labor that Thursday, except the actual birth,  he left immediately after delivery to take my car and his girlfriend to a town just a few miles away for the rest of the weekend on a romantic getaway at a bed and breakfast.  He returned to the hospital the following day with his mother and left as soon as she did. Two days later on Mother’s day, after having to contact the B & B where he was staying to let him know we were finally being released, he appeared hours later to drive us home to the deceptively perfect house at the lake, where once again he left us to return to the alcohol, drugs and other women.  There in our two story prison, a scared, inadequate young mother and the four week early, small ginger haired infant began our walk together.  His father returned for one month, then disappeared again, leaving behind divorce papers and a trail of heartache and debt. 

I married again when my son was only three. This man became the father my son had always longed for, the father that he (…we) thought would be the glue that held us all together. When my husband left in the fall of 2012, my son was already on his own and he did not feel the immediate impact.  My first born began making his own plans and building his own life and had much to occupy his waking hours. Only now with all of the preparation out of the way and the monotony of everyday life, does he finally feel the full brunt of it all, and is having to come to terms with the feeling that once again he has been abandoned.  

 I am not foolish enough to believe that I do not bear some responsibility for his pain, but my son has been gracious. As we sat in the Chic-fil-a in Goodletsville TN last summer eating lunch before my return back to Georgia he said to me “mama, stop apologizing. No one should ever have to apologize as much as you have. The difference in you, is you chose to stay and do the right thing.” 

 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing. 2 Timothy 4:7-8

Stay and do the right thing.  These words were a balm to me. You see there was a time when I wanted to run away. In the winter of 2012, at the end of a horrible depression following an emergency hysterectomy, all I wanted to do was escape. Feeling neglected, rejected, unloved and unloveable  the thought to run away from my children, husband and job were almost overwhelming.  If you are a mother, I know that you have those moments where it feels that everyone matters but you.  This is a lie of the enemy that we readily buy into. We place everyone above ourselves and the enemy uses this motherly characteristic to beat us down, divide the ranks and conquer the family. I am so grateful for a God who loved me enough to provide a Holy Spirit to awaken me from my slumber. 

My children look to me now as their absolute North.  It would be so easy to allow the enemy to get into my everyday activities. He has tried to make me bitter and envious. When false accusations, and contempt has come against me, my oldest two children have asked, “mom, why don’t you fight back?” My answer is always. God will fight these battles. 

Right now I know that they, like I, have had their doubts in this God they were raised hearing about , singing about and working in the name of. I am certain that in their eyes too, for just a little while, God got smaller. So if I can do anything for them, it is to restore their trust in our Heavenly Father.

Each child has a particular anointing on their lives and I am claiming and believing that each will walk in the fullness of the Lord’s plan for them. I am claiming and believing that the enemy’s schemes will be thwarted and that every plan raised against their paths will be cast down. I call forth the Holy Spirit in each of them to awaken their souls from slumber and thrust them forth on the path that God has laid for them and bring them into the purpose and plan for which they were born.

When people hear my story, usually the first thing that is said is, “you are such a strong person” to which I immediately reply, it is Christ within me which is strong. I have learned, devastatingly, that I am nothing without Him. I can face nothing without Him and I can withstand nothing without Him. 

He who overcomes will thus be clothed in white garments; and I will not erase his name from the book of life, and I will confess his name before My Father and before His angels. Revelation 3:5

 Twice Joseph finds himself in pit not of his making. First, his brothers place him into a well to until they decide how to deal with him. He is their arrogant little brother and their father's favorite child. Petted and spoiled, he antagonizes jealousy in them, just by being alive.  Joseph's brothers harshly dealt with their little brother, when a good sound beating might have just been sufficient enough to take him down a peg or two. 

Next, to save her own pride and reputation, Potipher's wife falsely accuses Joseph of assaulting her. His punishment? A pit. Fifteen years he awaits beneath the city streets. I have often said that we romanticize the Biblical characters to the point that we take away their humanity. You know Joseph was angry and rightfully so. This last injustice has not only taken the wind out of his sails, but has re-opened the wound of the previous betrayal. Of course he is angry. He is furious! 

In his mind he is replaying everything. "if my brother's had not sold me into slavery then I would not have been in Egypt in the first place" "If"... "if"... "if"... and with every utterance of this two letter word Joseph's rage and hatred and bitterness grows. There is absolutely no way that Joseph walked into those prison walls like he owned the place and said "Thank you Lord for putting me here." Sorry to disappoint you, but it just did not happen that way. 

What we get from the Biblical texts are snapshots of his life. What we do not see are the nights he lay awake in that filthy prison, crying out to a God that he is not even sure is listening. A God who he knows could, with but one word, snap the bars of the prison doors to free him yet for some reason chooses to let him remain, until the time is just right. 

I believe there are things working behind the scenes while Joseph is there. Potipher's wife is a wicked and manipulative women, yet even these finally have their day. I believe her true character was finally revealed during Joseph's time in the pit.

When he is once again restored to an even more powerful position (that is the favor of God) Joseph still struggles with his fleshly feelings of anger and resentment. If he had been the man we perceive him as, he would have hastened to his brothers that day and hugged them and forgiven them and told them they were right to throw him into the pit and there would have been a big celebration and .......but he did not. He payed them back just a little bit. 

By the time of famine, another son had been born to Jacob and while he could not take the place of Joseph in his father's heart, Benjamin had become their father's favorite. The older brothers had lived with their guilt for so long Joseph recognized how it had worn them down. He could have said "I am your brother Joseph, Go and get our father." But he didn't. He falsely accused them and imprisoned them for three days.  After three days in the very same prison where Joseph had spent fifteen years, the brothers were humbled and ready to agree to what ever Joseph commanded. The order was given that nine would return to feed the family and collect their belongings only to return to Egypt with the entire tribe. Simeon would become the bargaining tool. A brother for a brother.

The brothers then began to turn upon one another, throwing accusations and lamenting the actions against Joseph from years past. Only then did God prick Joseph's heart. He wept at the sight of the true remorse and Godly sorrow of his brothers. 

So the nine brothers returned with their youngest brother and father, the family was reunited and they all lived happily ever after. Joseph finished well.

In the last few months I have faced my mortality more than ever before. I have friends, my age, that have walked the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  Death has called my name as well in the last few years. I have wrestled with my faults, my short comings, my fears and my failures. I have had to look at myself in the mirror of the Savior’s reflection and take an account of myself.  And repent…a lot! Obedience is the hardest job we mere mortals will ever face. Yet it is the one thing required of us.

In re-evaluating my life in the light of all that the Holy Spirit has shown me, the question looms in front of me…what now? 

Well, now I get up every morning and try to be the hands, feet and face of Jesus. I will do my best to show them, in the last half of my life,  that despite your beginnings you can change and that God uses us no matter what our age or circumstances. I want them to see me in this next phase of life, love people and serve them,  both lowly and lofty.  I want to live so that my children can see that even a mother with shortcomings such as I can be transformed by the grace and mercy of a just God. I wish to restore their faith that even though there are some things that God cannot do there is nothing He would not do; to show my children that I trust this God who unlike mortal man, never disappoints.  I want to show my children how to climb back out of that pit and that despite how we got there, whether through our own devices or being shoved into the dark recesses by the actions of others, that there is a Savior who sees us in that pit and there is a God who redeems us from every horrible and devastating situation we have ever faced.

I do not hide my flesh from my children. They see every tear I cry. They know how every injustice angers me. Yet in my anger I do my best to not sin, I do the very best to leave it in the hands of a Savior who, when all is said and done will show me favor somehow in the sight of my enemy. He has promised me that. 

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. Acts 20:24

 

When my last breath is drawn and my eyes close in the sweet slumber of death, when I awaken to my Savior's face and hear his words,"Well done, my good and faithful servant..enter in",  I hope that He will grant me the opportunity to see through time and space. I would like to look down upon my children. It would be my desire to hear the intimate conversation of these brothers and sister as they recall the woman that God transformed me into. My goal in life is simple now. On that day I want to hear my children say three things:

 "She, (in the power of Christ), was the strongest person we knew."

 "She loved."

 "She finished well."

Then as the portals of Heaven close... I can enter into my rest.

Homeward Bound-Kristene Mueller

Sun Stand Still Prayers

I love the sun. I do. I have always been a summer time kind of girl. I love the beach. Today was a beautiful day. I got out on the beach around 10 with my daughter. We have been on a much needed mini vacation. We've come down to the Atlantic coast of Florida for her belated birthday gift. This is what she wanted. Time away.

Thanks to my sweet friend we have had a perfect little cottage to spend the weekend in. Perfect for just the two of us.

Around two my daughter had had enough and I brought her back to the cottage then, having gotten enough sun, I changed into a t-shirt and shorts and went back out onto the beach alone. I sat there in my beach chair, reading my book written by my friend Kathy Hannah. Her story has some incredible similarities to mine. Two of her chapters were almost more than I can bear.

Today is my youngest son's birthday. Today is difficult. Today I sit here in one of my favorite places, a beach chair in the sun on a sandy beach, but just a few short years ago this day would have been so different. Instead of a beach on the Atlantic, it would have been the white sand of the gulf. Instead of being here alone there would have been a house full of people. Instead of my son being 348 miles from me he would have been playing in the surf at my feet. Instead of him celebrating his birthday with his parents together, he now has to have a gathering with separate parents on separate days.

Life is not fair. There I said it. It's not. I look around me and wonder...how did I get here? To this place. 47, alone on a beach in Florida. In my chair with a book, written by a person who randomly became a friend, watching other people's children play, but not mine. Life is not fair.

I glance at my Facebook page every now and then. I see a post from my friend Sheila. I was there when she married her husband Allen. I was there when their first daughter Heather was born. We were so young back then. Then odds were against them then, the odds are against them now. Allen has cancer. It is taking its toil on him. He is only 48. He has small grandchildren who adore him. He and Sheila are finally to a point in life where they could be enjoying their lives, but this stupid disease has viciously attacked his body. He has his good days and his bad days, today is a bad one. Life is not fair.

My friend Tara battles cancer daily also. Just short of two years ago, we were comparing notes almost daily of the workout routines that she and I were participating in. She had begun to run a couple of miles a day until suddenly she gets a compression fracture. She had an adorable 11 year old. She had just begun a great new career. She was working on getting healthy and fit. It seemed she had it all, until she got pneumonia that turned out to be cancer. Ovarian cancer. The doctors have been kind but they have not been encouraging. Life is not fair.

Nicole  was born with Cystic Fibrosis. Nicole is married to my cousin Shawn. She is beautiful and smart and has the sweetest personality of anyone you will ever meet. She gets up every morning to a daily routine that cannot waiver. It could mean her life. She has by far outlived her life expectancy by decades. At 35, her day is consumed with bags of IVs, machines to loosen the lungs, medications to measure. The slightest respiratory bug and she is at risk. The days of this once lively, vivacious beautiful girl who loves people are now days of isolation. Life is not fair.

My friend, Tony  was just 16 years old when a freak car accident took the life of his young cousin while Tony was behind the wheel. Years later his brother-in-law and then his sister both were gone in an instant at their own hands, leaving Tony to raise his nephews. Four weeks ago,  Tony's nephew Cameron, whom he had raised, who worked as his office manager and spent every day with him, was tragically killed in a car accident. Tony once again is devastated. Life is not fair.

The Sunday before Easter, my children and I walked back through the doors of Liberty Church. My brother greets me and says, "its a good day to be here, the early service was awesome, the message is incredible."
He was right.

The message was just what I needed to hear. Chris Dixon, the pastor spoke on a passage that I have never heard a sermon on before. Sun Stand Still. The text was from Joshua and highlighted the story of Joshua as he battled the Amorites. His army was defeating the enemy, every blow of every sword depleted the numbers and yet there was more battle to fight than there was day left. Joshua knows that if he does not finish the battle today, that the chances of killing the last of the Amorites is not likely. Nightfall will surely allow some to slip away. Joshua prays a prayer of incredible faith and his faith does not waiver.

Then Joshua spoke to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the sons of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, "O sun, stand still at Gibeon, And O moon in the valley of Aijalon." Joshua 10:12

God honored this faith filled prayer. The sun stood still. The enemy was defeated with the last Amorite falling victim to the sword at what should have bee the midnight hour. 

The day continued, we had our Easter gathering so that my little man could be with us and we went ahead and celebrated his birthday with my side of the family. The sermon from that morning still ringing in my ears, I later googled Sun Stand Still. Little did I know that one of my favorite pastors had done a sermon on this topic and had written a book about it. I. of course ordered the book from Amazon and I am hoping its in my mailbox when I get home. 

The next night after my kids were in bed, I settled down with my devotions. I grabbed my grandfather's Bible. I placed it back on the table then picked it up again. I usually do not read from my grandaddy's Bible, but tonight I feel a need to connect with him. I sit down to my Bible study in Joshua, I'm in the first chapters in my devotions book. I flip the pages through grandaddy's Bible. I find the book of Kings. I stop and I pray, "Father, tonight, could you let me see something that will speak to me in my Gradday's handwriting? My heart is heavy and I just need to hear from him and You."  I gathered several pages between my thumb and forefinger in an attempt to find the first chapter of Joshua. The page opens to the page in the picture above. In my grandfathers script, written sometime between 1968 and 1979, (the Bible was given to him by my Grandmother just a few months after my birthdate in 1968) were the words I needed to see...SUN STAND STILL.

Oh how I love when the Father shows up like this. It is in moments like this that I am assured that he hears me.  Then the flood of shame washes over me. 

You see, I have seen Sun Stand Still moments. I have had Sun Stan Still moments and yet my feeble heart harbors unbelief even still. 

When your doctor tells you that you will never carry children to term, yet you deliver a healthy baby boy, that's a Sun Stand Still moment. When you are told by several physicians that you will never conceive and 13 days later you are expecting, that's a Sun Stand Still moment. When the doctor tells you that your 29 weeker is not going to live and yet he does, that's a Sun Stand Still moment. When the evangelist's wife is scheduled for surgery to remove a brain tumor, and doctors stand in front of an MRI bewildered because moments prior to surgery there is no sign of the cancer, that's a Sun Stand Still moment. When the DFACS agent comes to remove your children from your home based on a false report and they show up at the wrong address that's a Sun Stand Still moment. When there is no way possible for you to make your mortgage payment and a check appears in the box from out of the blue, that is a Sun Stand Still moment. When the Holy Spirit gives three people the discernment to know there is something wrong and their acts of obedience prevent you from taking your own life, that is a Sun Stand Still moment.

1Jn 5:14, 15 And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.

At least 34 times in the Bible, asking and receiving is addressed. From we have not because ask not to ask, seek and knock. God sometimes requires us to ask of Him.

Tonight friends, I am asking for some Sun Stand Still miracles. Some miracles that can only come about by no other means than a Divine touch from our Heavenly Father. Please pray with me for these I have mentioned. But let's not just pray, let us come boldly before the throne of God, let us ask bold prayers! Let us ask God to do the impossible! Then let us believe that He can and He will. 

You see the one thing that Joshua possessed more so than I, an audacious faith that dared to ask God for the impossible, yes. But also dared to believe that God would do what was asked of him. 

Father,
Tonight I come boldly before your throne. You word says that we have not because we ask not and Father tonight that is not the case. Father tonight I come thanking you that you hear my prayers for miracles and the prayers of all those that read this page. I come thanking you for healing for Allen, Tara and Nicole. I come thanking you for peace for Tony, Steve, Sheila and Shawn. I come asking you for comfort but most of all I come before you now, knowing that you are the God who sees us. You are the God who formed each of us in our mother's wombs. You Father, own the cattle on a thousand hills and there is nothing too hard for you. So tonight Father I humbly and boldly in reverence and awe ask you for miracles that only You may get the Glory for. I ask that doctors be astonished, bodies be made whole, lungs like new,  cancer not just in remission, but completely gone. Lives changed and families restored for Your Glory. I thank you Father that you hear our cries. I thank you that is your great desire to lavish good things upon your children. I thank you for the testimonies that will come from these miracles and I thank you for the souls that will be saved for your kingdom as a result. I praise you and thank you for your Glorious victory over death and Hell. I thank you for the blood of your son, Jesus Christ and it is in HIS name alone that I ask all these things.

Amen.

Tonight, instead of my usual song, I leave you with a sermon by Steven Furtick, pastor of Elevation Church, entitled Sun Stan Still. It is lengthy but it is so worth the listen.

I Have Seen Him!

"I have seen him!" The words Mary called to the disciples as she ran to retrieve them that morning after discovering the empty tomb. If Mary were a country girl, she would have "hollered". There is a difference, hollering implies an urgency. We southern children understand the difference and if your mama throws your middle and last name in, well...let's just say things went from urgent to real!

It is the morning after Sabbath. Mary (being the good little Jewish girl she now was) had, with others, no doubt spent a very long Sabbath mourning the horrible execution of her beloved Rabbi. She with her own eyes had witnessed the mockery of a trial, the public flogging that left him horrendously disfigured, and the public humiliation of the journey down the Via Dolorosa. She and just a small handful of women with the disciple John, were the only of his followers to witness the nails being driven into his hands and feet, the brutal cruelty afforded him on the cross. She heard his last words "it is finished" and saw the sword at the hand of the Roman Centurion as it pierced his lifeless body.

She remained while his body was removed in haste to be laid in the borrowed tomb before the beginning of the Sabbath. She was there when the stone was rolled in front of the tomb and the waxen seal was placed upon the stone affixed with the signet of the supervising guard to ensure that the orders given had been carried out and that the body of the one believed to be the Messiah had been securely placed inside.

It was a hopeless situation. Her eyes had seen the death of her closest confidant. In the natural she had seen the death to her hopes, her dreams, everything she now put stock in. Her ears had heard the words "it is finished"; don't you know in her grief she believed that Christ meant "its over" and that in her mind she thought, "I have believed for nothing." Don't you know that she lamented, "if he could not save himself, how can he save me?"

So often we place a superhero's persona on the disciples, male and female alike. We forget that they too were just mere mortals as we are. It is easy to place this expectation on them; that they would not have the same thoughts, feelings, fears, joys and sorrows as we do...but, they did. Not only were their human personalities and characteristics the same, but they faced the same enemy, that would have encouraged those doubts and fears. The same enemy that speaks fear into our minds, would no  doubt have had a field day with the disciples. These were the very men and women who walked with him, talked with him, sat at his side, witnessed the miracles and yet each one miserably failed him in some way. Even sweet Mary, who just minutes before at the mouth of the tomb in tears, asked the resurrected Savior, "where have they taken my Lord?', forgetting all that he had taught her and the events that he had no doubt rehearsed with them for quite sometime.

How many times in my life have I too felt like this? When my marriage ended in 2013, it was so easy to forget the promises of God. All that my human eyes could see was destruction and my world crumbling. All my human heart could feel was sorrow and loss and rejection. All that my soul could do was take one breath at a time.

I had been in church for over twenty years, even as a small child I had enough head knowledge to know that God was in control and that His plans were for my good, ultimately. I could not quote scripture to you but I could paraphrase every scripture of prosperity and promise for His children. You know the feel good scriptures. And I am by no means mocking nor limiting what God can do.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

 'Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”Matthew 28:20

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22

But if you have ever been in that place where it seems like EVERYTHING you knew to be true, EVERYTHING you thought would last, EVERYTHING you built your hopes and dreams on is taken away in an instant, then you know what Mary felt that morning. For 24 hours she has wandered, walked, cried to a God who seemed to have not heard her prayers. A God that she is not sure even exists at this point. If you have ever been here, you know what I'm talking about.

In those first few moments, I screamed out to this God I had held to, whose voice I had heard myself, "Why?!?"  and even begged him "If you are a merciful God, let me go to sleep and never wake again". In the months to follow the enemy spoke confusion and doubt, "Surely a good God would not have allowed this.", "If there is a God, He must not care for you or He would change this"  Frankly, there were many moments like this over the last few years. One thing about the enemy, He is a persistent fellow.

It would have been easy for Mary to just walk away that morning in defeat, but she held to the hope in the words she remembered her Master say.  Jesus had prepared his disciples for his death and resurrection. He had told them exactly how it would come about. They had seen him perform miracle after miracle, everything he had told them had to come to pass, yet now when they needed to cling to his words the most, their hearts were heavy with the sorrow of doubt and what they saw in the natural was what they believed.

Mary knew him. She knew what He had done for her, to her, the sin that He had rescued her from, the promise that He had made her. Yet she had lost hope. Until....He spoke her name.

You see, I too knew all He had done for me. I knew the depths of the sin He had rescued me from. I knew the promises He had made me, yet I had lost hope. My eyes could not see.  Until....He spoke my name.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

If there were nothing else that He had done for me...this would be enough.

But I have seen Him, in the face of my children whom the doctors said would never exist. I have seen him in the friend who took my child shopping when I had no money. I have seen Him in the one that helped me move when my children and I had to relocate so quickly. I have seen Him in the sunrise and sunset, even on the days that I would rather have not gotten out of bed. I have seen Him in prayer warriors who have prayed for me and my children. I have seen Him in the random person who would have come into my life in no other way than His orchestration. I have seen how He made such a change in me; not me, but Him and I will never be the same.

And after all this, I feel a sense of urgency myself. I must go tell someone, everyone...I have seen Jesus.