I Have Seen Him!

"I have seen him!" The words Mary called to the disciples as she ran to retrieve them that morning after discovering the empty tomb. If Mary were a country girl, she would have "hollered". There is a difference, hollering implies an urgency. We southern children understand the difference and if your mama throws your middle and last name in, well...let's just say things went from urgent to real!

It is the morning after Sabbath. Mary (being the good little Jewish girl she now was) had, with others, no doubt spent a very long Sabbath mourning the horrible execution of her beloved Rabbi. She with her own eyes had witnessed the mockery of a trial, the public flogging that left him horrendously disfigured, and the public humiliation of the journey down the Via Dolorosa. She and just a small handful of women with the disciple John, were the only of his followers to witness the nails being driven into his hands and feet, the brutal cruelty afforded him on the cross. She heard his last words "it is finished" and saw the sword at the hand of the Roman Centurion as it pierced his lifeless body.

She remained while his body was removed in haste to be laid in the borrowed tomb before the beginning of the Sabbath. She was there when the stone was rolled in front of the tomb and the waxen seal was placed upon the stone affixed with the signet of the supervising guard to ensure that the orders given had been carried out and that the body of the one believed to be the Messiah had been securely placed inside.

It was a hopeless situation. Her eyes had seen the death of her closest confidant. In the natural she had seen the death to her hopes, her dreams, everything she now put stock in. Her ears had heard the words "it is finished"; don't you know in her grief she believed that Christ meant "its over" and that in her mind she thought, "I have believed for nothing." Don't you know that she lamented, "if he could not save himself, how can he save me?"

So often we place a superhero's persona on the disciples, male and female alike. We forget that they too were just mere mortals as we are. It is easy to place this expectation on them; that they would not have the same thoughts, feelings, fears, joys and sorrows as we do...but, they did. Not only were their human personalities and characteristics the same, but they faced the same enemy, that would have encouraged those doubts and fears. The same enemy that speaks fear into our minds, would no  doubt have had a field day with the disciples. These were the very men and women who walked with him, talked with him, sat at his side, witnessed the miracles and yet each one miserably failed him in some way. Even sweet Mary, who just minutes before at the mouth of the tomb in tears, asked the resurrected Savior, "where have they taken my Lord?', forgetting all that he had taught her and the events that he had no doubt rehearsed with them for quite sometime.

How many times in my life have I too felt like this? When my marriage ended in 2013, it was so easy to forget the promises of God. All that my human eyes could see was destruction and my world crumbling. All my human heart could feel was sorrow and loss and rejection. All that my soul could do was take one breath at a time.

I had been in church for over twenty years, even as a small child I had enough head knowledge to know that God was in control and that His plans were for my good, ultimately. I could not quote scripture to you but I could paraphrase every scripture of prosperity and promise for His children. You know the feel good scriptures. And I am by no means mocking nor limiting what God can do.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

 'Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”Matthew 28:20

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22

But if you have ever been in that place where it seems like EVERYTHING you knew to be true, EVERYTHING you thought would last, EVERYTHING you built your hopes and dreams on is taken away in an instant, then you know what Mary felt that morning. For 24 hours she has wandered, walked, cried to a God who seemed to have not heard her prayers. A God that she is not sure even exists at this point. If you have ever been here, you know what I'm talking about.

In those first few moments, I screamed out to this God I had held to, whose voice I had heard myself, "Why?!?"  and even begged him "If you are a merciful God, let me go to sleep and never wake again". In the months to follow the enemy spoke confusion and doubt, "Surely a good God would not have allowed this.", "If there is a God, He must not care for you or He would change this"  Frankly, there were many moments like this over the last few years. One thing about the enemy, He is a persistent fellow.

It would have been easy for Mary to just walk away that morning in defeat, but she held to the hope in the words she remembered her Master say.  Jesus had prepared his disciples for his death and resurrection. He had told them exactly how it would come about. They had seen him perform miracle after miracle, everything he had told them had to come to pass, yet now when they needed to cling to his words the most, their hearts were heavy with the sorrow of doubt and what they saw in the natural was what they believed.

Mary knew him. She knew what He had done for her, to her, the sin that He had rescued her from, the promise that He had made her. Yet she had lost hope. Until....He spoke her name.

You see, I too knew all He had done for me. I knew the depths of the sin He had rescued me from. I knew the promises He had made me, yet I had lost hope. My eyes could not see.  Until....He spoke my name.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

If there were nothing else that He had done for me...this would be enough.

But I have seen Him, in the face of my children whom the doctors said would never exist. I have seen him in the friend who took my child shopping when I had no money. I have seen Him in the one that helped me move when my children and I had to relocate so quickly. I have seen Him in the sunrise and sunset, even on the days that I would rather have not gotten out of bed. I have seen Him in prayer warriors who have prayed for me and my children. I have seen Him in the random person who would have come into my life in no other way than His orchestration. I have seen how He made such a change in me; not me, but Him and I will never be the same.

And after all this, I feel a sense of urgency myself. I must go tell someone, everyone...I have seen Jesus.