Finish Well

 

As we sat down to dinner last evening, my daughter and I were discussing her choices of male companionship in her circle of influence. Mostly we were discussing whom I considered to not be an option for her. One name in particular was called and she asked why. Slipping back into my old ways, I proceeded to tell her that the family for many generations had had many problems, most which included abuse of drugs and a history of violence. She mentioned the mother and said, “well, I like her”. I assured her that I did too but that the father was incredibly unpredictable and volatile. I then made the comment, “she should have left him many years ago.”  My eight year old quickly jumped into the conversation at this point and in true Holy Spirit fashion, my son uttered the words that placed me under incredible conviction; “Mama, you’re not supposed to get rid of people.” 

Ouch!!! Out of the mouths of babes…the Holy Spirit sometimes speaks. I had to humble myself at that point. My reply, “I’m sorry son, you are right. People are not paper plates. We just can’t throw them away.” 

You see my kids and I know what it feels like to be paper plate people. My little one, with his old man wisdom, is affected the least by this “syndrome”. My daughter understands this feeling more. It weighs her down and I have seen this bright, precocious child become withdrawn and guarded. Now don’t get me wrong, she has never been a “little Miss Mary Sunshine” and she was never one to take easily to new people, but now she distances herself even more than usual. On a positive note, this has kept her from getting into many of the typical teenage troublesome situations and has brought she and I closer, I believe. 

It is my oldest child that I worry most about, right now.  Next week may be another story.  Right now my oldest seems to be going through that part of the grieving process that the three of us left at home have already gone through and while every day is a different struggle, the two younger children and myself, seem to finally be seeing some joy again. 

What many do not know is that my oldest child has felt the sting of abandonment his whole life. His biological father abandoned us a month before his birth. He made the obligatory appearance to the delivery room, inebriated. Missing every part of the twelve hour labor that Thursday, except the actual birth,  he left immediately after delivery to take my car and his girlfriend to a town just a few miles away for the rest of the weekend on a romantic getaway at a bed and breakfast.  He returned to the hospital the following day with his mother and left as soon as she did. Two days later on Mother’s day, after having to contact the B & B where he was staying to let him know we were finally being released, he appeared hours later to drive us home to the deceptively perfect house at the lake, where once again he left us to return to the alcohol, drugs and other women.  There in our two story prison, a scared, inadequate young mother and the four week early, small ginger haired infant began our walk together.  His father returned for one month, then disappeared again, leaving behind divorce papers and a trail of heartache and debt. 

I married again when my son was only three. This man became the father my son had always longed for, the father that he (…we) thought would be the glue that held us all together. When my husband left in the fall of 2012, my son was already on his own and he did not feel the immediate impact.  My first born began making his own plans and building his own life and had much to occupy his waking hours. Only now with all of the preparation out of the way and the monotony of everyday life, does he finally feel the full brunt of it all, and is having to come to terms with the feeling that once again he has been abandoned.  

 I am not foolish enough to believe that I do not bear some responsibility for his pain, but my son has been gracious. As we sat in the Chic-fil-a in Goodletsville TN last summer eating lunch before my return back to Georgia he said to me “mama, stop apologizing. No one should ever have to apologize as much as you have. The difference in you, is you chose to stay and do the right thing.” 

 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing. 2 Timothy 4:7-8

Stay and do the right thing.  These words were a balm to me. You see there was a time when I wanted to run away. In the winter of 2012, at the end of a horrible depression following an emergency hysterectomy, all I wanted to do was escape. Feeling neglected, rejected, unloved and unloveable  the thought to run away from my children, husband and job were almost overwhelming.  If you are a mother, I know that you have those moments where it feels that everyone matters but you.  This is a lie of the enemy that we readily buy into. We place everyone above ourselves and the enemy uses this motherly characteristic to beat us down, divide the ranks and conquer the family. I am so grateful for a God who loved me enough to provide a Holy Spirit to awaken me from my slumber. 

My children look to me now as their absolute North.  It would be so easy to allow the enemy to get into my everyday activities. He has tried to make me bitter and envious. When false accusations, and contempt has come against me, my oldest two children have asked, “mom, why don’t you fight back?” My answer is always. God will fight these battles. 

Right now I know that they, like I, have had their doubts in this God they were raised hearing about , singing about and working in the name of. I am certain that in their eyes too, for just a little while, God got smaller. So if I can do anything for them, it is to restore their trust in our Heavenly Father.

Each child has a particular anointing on their lives and I am claiming and believing that each will walk in the fullness of the Lord’s plan for them. I am claiming and believing that the enemy’s schemes will be thwarted and that every plan raised against their paths will be cast down. I call forth the Holy Spirit in each of them to awaken their souls from slumber and thrust them forth on the path that God has laid for them and bring them into the purpose and plan for which they were born.

When people hear my story, usually the first thing that is said is, “you are such a strong person” to which I immediately reply, it is Christ within me which is strong. I have learned, devastatingly, that I am nothing without Him. I can face nothing without Him and I can withstand nothing without Him. 

He who overcomes will thus be clothed in white garments; and I will not erase his name from the book of life, and I will confess his name before My Father and before His angels. Revelation 3:5

 Twice Joseph finds himself in pit not of his making. First, his brothers place him into a well to until they decide how to deal with him. He is their arrogant little brother and their father's favorite child. Petted and spoiled, he antagonizes jealousy in them, just by being alive.  Joseph's brothers harshly dealt with their little brother, when a good sound beating might have just been sufficient enough to take him down a peg or two. 

Next, to save her own pride and reputation, Potipher's wife falsely accuses Joseph of assaulting her. His punishment? A pit. Fifteen years he awaits beneath the city streets. I have often said that we romanticize the Biblical characters to the point that we take away their humanity. You know Joseph was angry and rightfully so. This last injustice has not only taken the wind out of his sails, but has re-opened the wound of the previous betrayal. Of course he is angry. He is furious! 

In his mind he is replaying everything. "if my brother's had not sold me into slavery then I would not have been in Egypt in the first place" "If"... "if"... "if"... and with every utterance of this two letter word Joseph's rage and hatred and bitterness grows. There is absolutely no way that Joseph walked into those prison walls like he owned the place and said "Thank you Lord for putting me here." Sorry to disappoint you, but it just did not happen that way. 

What we get from the Biblical texts are snapshots of his life. What we do not see are the nights he lay awake in that filthy prison, crying out to a God that he is not even sure is listening. A God who he knows could, with but one word, snap the bars of the prison doors to free him yet for some reason chooses to let him remain, until the time is just right. 

I believe there are things working behind the scenes while Joseph is there. Potipher's wife is a wicked and manipulative women, yet even these finally have their day. I believe her true character was finally revealed during Joseph's time in the pit.

When he is once again restored to an even more powerful position (that is the favor of God) Joseph still struggles with his fleshly feelings of anger and resentment. If he had been the man we perceive him as, he would have hastened to his brothers that day and hugged them and forgiven them and told them they were right to throw him into the pit and there would have been a big celebration and .......but he did not. He payed them back just a little bit. 

By the time of famine, another son had been born to Jacob and while he could not take the place of Joseph in his father's heart, Benjamin had become their father's favorite. The older brothers had lived with their guilt for so long Joseph recognized how it had worn them down. He could have said "I am your brother Joseph, Go and get our father." But he didn't. He falsely accused them and imprisoned them for three days.  After three days in the very same prison where Joseph had spent fifteen years, the brothers were humbled and ready to agree to what ever Joseph commanded. The order was given that nine would return to feed the family and collect their belongings only to return to Egypt with the entire tribe. Simeon would become the bargaining tool. A brother for a brother.

The brothers then began to turn upon one another, throwing accusations and lamenting the actions against Joseph from years past. Only then did God prick Joseph's heart. He wept at the sight of the true remorse and Godly sorrow of his brothers. 

So the nine brothers returned with their youngest brother and father, the family was reunited and they all lived happily ever after. Joseph finished well.

In the last few months I have faced my mortality more than ever before. I have friends, my age, that have walked the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  Death has called my name as well in the last few years. I have wrestled with my faults, my short comings, my fears and my failures. I have had to look at myself in the mirror of the Savior’s reflection and take an account of myself.  And repent…a lot! Obedience is the hardest job we mere mortals will ever face. Yet it is the one thing required of us.

In re-evaluating my life in the light of all that the Holy Spirit has shown me, the question looms in front of me…what now? 

Well, now I get up every morning and try to be the hands, feet and face of Jesus. I will do my best to show them, in the last half of my life,  that despite your beginnings you can change and that God uses us no matter what our age or circumstances. I want them to see me in this next phase of life, love people and serve them,  both lowly and lofty.  I want to live so that my children can see that even a mother with shortcomings such as I can be transformed by the grace and mercy of a just God. I wish to restore their faith that even though there are some things that God cannot do there is nothing He would not do; to show my children that I trust this God who unlike mortal man, never disappoints.  I want to show my children how to climb back out of that pit and that despite how we got there, whether through our own devices or being shoved into the dark recesses by the actions of others, that there is a Savior who sees us in that pit and there is a God who redeems us from every horrible and devastating situation we have ever faced.

I do not hide my flesh from my children. They see every tear I cry. They know how every injustice angers me. Yet in my anger I do my best to not sin, I do the very best to leave it in the hands of a Savior who, when all is said and done will show me favor somehow in the sight of my enemy. He has promised me that. 

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. Acts 20:24

 

When my last breath is drawn and my eyes close in the sweet slumber of death, when I awaken to my Savior's face and hear his words,"Well done, my good and faithful servant..enter in",  I hope that He will grant me the opportunity to see through time and space. I would like to look down upon my children. It would be my desire to hear the intimate conversation of these brothers and sister as they recall the woman that God transformed me into. My goal in life is simple now. On that day I want to hear my children say three things:

 "She, (in the power of Christ), was the strongest person we knew."

 "She loved."

 "She finished well."

Then as the portals of Heaven close... I can enter into my rest.

Homeward Bound-Kristene Mueller