And if not, He is still good...

I am 47. Some would say this is just a number. Some would say it is old, some it is young. To me it is just a day among many. It is a place in time for 365 days of my life. There are days I feel 18 and there are days I feel 80. There are days this life that come easier than others. There are days I'd rather not walk out the door.

 Can I tell you? This life is not what I had planned. Nothing about it resembles the plans I made in my mind years ago. I saw myself in a life, but not this one. I saw myself in a house, but not this one. I saw myself in a family, but not this one. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids with every ounce of my being. Every breath I take is for them, but life has not turned out the way I thought it would.

Three years ago when this journey began, I prayed for, hoped for, begged and believed that there would be a different outcome. Things did not work out according to my plan but He was good. He put people in my path to be His hands and feet here and while they can never replace the one that was lost, there is a bitter sweetness in knowing that had one not left, others would not have come along.

Even a year ago I would have sworn, that I knew God's plan and was finally beginning to see it come to fruition. Once again, things did not turn out the way I thought it were supposed to go. A vision with a prophecy to match. A dream I dared to dream again. And for a moment in time, it made me brave. But sadly it appears, not meant to be.

And if not, He is still good.... Scrolling through Pinterest a few days ago, I saw this in a meme. Something about the phrase hit me between the eyes. It is no secret to those who know me best that the last few months have been more than chaotic and I have been well beyond needing this reminder.

The book of Job has been a place that I spent a lot of time in the last few years. Most of us are very familiar with this story. Job is a man of great righteousness and is regarded by God himself, in highest esteem. The favor of God sat upon Job. He was a wealthy man, well respected among his people. He had land and property, livestock and oil supplies. He was blessed with 10 sons and daughters. When God granted Satan permission to do anything he wished to Job, with the exception of killing him, the old serpent did what he does best, he began to destroy.

Within hours, servants from all throughout Job's land have come trembling in fear with the news that Job has lost everything. His homes, his wealth, his crops, his livestock and his children...all in the blink of an eye, gone. Satan has asked to test one of God's own and Job has been chosen.

Job's friends come to sit among the ashes with him, and yet even in their company, Job finds no solace and comfort. There are times that the company of others can only make us more restless.

Just as familiar as we are with the story of Job's woes, we are also well aware that in the end, everything he lost is replaced and more. Job is found faithful in the eyes of his Father. What the enemy meant for harm, God has used for good.

Joseph's own flesh and blood, put him into a pit and sold him into slavery. Little known to him at the time a plan was put into motion generations before. Instead of being left to die in the pit, he is sold to distant relatives. His captors are Ishmaelites, none other than descendants of the illegitimate son of his grandfather, Abraham.

Years he spent in servitude until one fateful day when the lies of one evil woman take him captive once again. Joseph's story could have ended here. He could have been killed for attempted rape, he could have died in the dungeons of Egypt beneath the city streets he would someday govern for its king. Yet sitting in his prison cell, it appears all has been lost, except Joseph's faith. What his brothers meant for harm, Yaweh redeemed and turned for his good and for the good of the entire nation of Israel.

Daniel is taken into captivity as a young man. In one act, every dream he must have dreamed for himself is taken from him. Forced into a foreign land, he is made a eunuch and placed into service for the king. Through years of service to a king not his own,  Daniel remained faithful to the God of his childhood. He has taught and trained his fellow Israelites and has instilled in them an obedience to Yaweh that has on more than one occasion placed him into harms way. It is this same faith that is within Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego when facing their own immortality that has given them the courage to say:

 "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."  Daniel 3:17-18   

It is with these thoughts that I sit tonight, in a town that I did not expect to be in any longer, in a house I did not expect to own, in a life as foreign to my dreams as the adopted lands of Joseph and Daniel.

Over the last few years there have been dreams I've dreamed, there are have been visions I have seen and there have been prophecies spoken over me. Some have come to pass and more have not...yet. All along this journey there have been pits to ensnare me, there have been prisons to prolong me and fiery furnaces to to attempt to take my life. Each and every one put into place by the enemy to bring me harm.

There are still days when the enemy plays with my mind, reminding me of all that I have lost. There are times when the bills need to be paid and one salary is not enough, or both kids still at home need to be in two different directions. Days when the grass needs cutting and all I have is a push mower and something else must be put aside to get it done. Moments when my work day has been less than desirable and there is no one to vent to. There are nights that it would be my hearts desire to have a shoulder to lay my head on and a hand to wipe away my tears.

And what good could has come from all this? Well, there have been lessons learned, people that have become a part of my circle that never would have and opportunities that I never would have had otherwise.

I do not know why God chooses to intervene at times and not at others. I do not know why illnesses are not healed this side of Heaven. I do not know why once Godly people choose to walk their own paths. I cannot fathom the whys, the wheres and the hows of this mortal existence.

I find it hardest to know that He is capable of all things and yet, he gives us free will instead of making us follow his plan. I understand that He wants us to choose to be obedient and to choose to be obedient out of love and not responsibility.  So I can say with Job, "though He slay me, yet I will serve him".

Then Job replied to the Lord:

“I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’

    Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. 

"You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’

My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. 

Job 42:1-6

For those who do no know my past, it is a story of service for my own benefit and not the benefit of His kingdom. It is the story of a woman who worked in His name but not for His sake. You see, I knew Him but now I have seen Him and though the enemy would do me harm, I will declare " I will not die, but live, and tell of the works of the Lord" Psalm118:17            

 I have seen His miracles. I have been a part of many. A child that was not supposed to be carried to term, one that was not supposed to be conceived and one that was not supposed to live. He has brought me back from the brink of death on at least three occasions. I have seen miracles and I have held them in my hands and like every child of the God I cling to the promise in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

And while it appears that I like so many before me have lost it all, what I have gained has by far outweighed the loss in the scope of eternity. A pharisee, a false prophet and a hypocrite has come to terms with the realization that, while in the eyes of man was I was a good person, I had missed the mark. What mattered most was not within me. For all my good deeds had been just that...deeds. 

It has only been through the deepest pain of my life that the greatest miracle has come. The miracle of a soul in complete surrender to the Lord, willing to be molded and shaped and used by Him for His Glory. I once was lost, but now I'm found.

In my new home there is a wall in my tiny living room. A wall that screams for something.... a wall that is seen every time the room is entered and when I'm lounging in my favorite chair, the one I bought on the day my life changed forever, it is the wall my gaze rests upon. And now I know what will grace this wall. I have asked a friend to make a large pallet sign for me. A sign that will act as a prayer, as a reminder and as a promise. What the enemy meant for my harm, God will turn for good....And if not...He is still good... and I will still serve Him

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly): Sanctus Real