Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?" John 11:40
I sit here in my dimly lit office, I have arrived hours ahead of schedule because this morning I just need some solitude. I'm sure there are those of you who understand. I need to be in place where there is not another task to do and no one knows I'm here yet so there is no knock on my door.
Its been a while since I have written anything. I don't think many have noticed, lol, but I have missed it. So this morning when the words hit, I had to take the time. I have said in the past and this is still true, that during all hours of the day and night, I will most likely have some form of preaching service, seminar or worship service streaming on the TV or computer. When in my office working on reports or filing, I will have a live stream or archive going in the background. I try to continually keep the word washing over me in some form or another. There are days when this comes easy and there are days that I have to make myself do so.
I found that it is in the times that I do not keep my ears full of the Word, that these are the times that the voices are the loudest. Now before you go calling me crazy, or some of you try to have me committed, stop and think. We all have those voices. You know the ones. Sometimes they scream "You can't!", "Give up!", "It's not worth it!". Sometimes they speak softly and consistently, a constant reminder of every wrong turn, every mistake, every disappointment, every rejection. Screaming loud and long or silently whispering despair, these voice can often drown out the very voice of God, even for a believer.
For me the voices have been constant most of my life. There are three voices from my past that torment my idle thoughts. These voice say that I am not good enough, they say I am unlovable and they say I am a failure. There is a new voice these days as well that taunts me day and night, the voice of the Pharisee.
This morning as is my morning routine, my phone was streaming a broad cast. This morning one of my favorites, Beth Moore, was talking on the scriptures in Mark of the boy whose father has brought him to be healed from demonic possession. Her first words were, "My freedom came from that which nearly killed me." That was it. That was the pebble it took to break the dam. You see I understand that fully.
If you have read my blogs then you know my journey. This bittersweet, intentional journey through the darkest days of my life. A pit and a valley dug by the enemy to destroy me. And you know it nearly did. But this morning came the reminder.
You see, after years of Pharisaical living, singing, teaching, ministering in the church and other locations the Holy Spirit began to work on me. As I began to slowly awaken from my long, spiritual slumber in my comfortable cocoon of denial and luke-warm living, the enemy recognized the purpose being instilled in me even before I did. In a last ditch effort to destroy my potential, he sends the absolute worst crisis of my life...and it nearly killed me. But God has a plan.
It was during this pit that could have, (almost) taken my life that God showed me once again who HE is and who I am.
I grew up in a doctrine that believed once saved always saved and if you slip, you must not have really been saved. In my twenties I converted to a doctrine that believes that you can lose your salvation by your own choice. I still believe that, but the enemy has taken these two doctrines and even used this to taunt me over the years. That voice for so long told me I could not be assured of my salvation and along this journey Jesus has conquered that voice. Without this painful journey and process I am certain I would still be stuck in that place of uncertainty, constantly wondering if my eternal destination was secure. Constantly fighting a fight that has already been won.
31 To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. 32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31-33
A new voice has tried to take its place. A voice that says that if I do not cave in, or give in to the plans of the wicked or condone the actions of the narcissistic personality or "keep my mouth shut" then I " must not really be a Christian". This often comes in the form of a real human voice and I must fight the urge to believe the lie of the enemy through those who choose to be his mouth piece.
There is a voice that has been with me since childhood. This voice says that no matter what I do, it is not good enough. This voice too has a human mouthpiece and has been used many times in 47 years to manipulate my actions and responses. This voice also whispers in innuendo, "you cannot trust yourself" and "no matter what you do you will fail".
Perhaps the loudest of the messages is a choir of voices with a trio at its fore front and the constant siren song is that I am only loveable if I meet the right conditions. These voices too have human form and faces. These, one right after another, from birth to present have taunted me with the idea that I had to be in a constant state of doing and being and performing and that my worth was only tied to obedience to them and performance for them. Rejection, manipulation, denial and abandonment were the tools of the trade and served my captors well. Love was conditional and I did not meet the conditions.
We all have these voices and when the Father begins to unveil his plans to us, these voices will rally. They will do their best to rattle and confuse the believer.
In Mark's passage, the father of the boy says to Jesus, "But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!"Jesus, already frustrated with his disciples over this very issue, firmly says to the man, "'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes." He is not really frustrated with the father. This man has not sat under his teaching for years. This man had no way of knowing, but the disciples did and Jesus is terribly frustrated with them. All along he has told his disciples that they will do even greater miracles than he and yet when this man and this boy come to them, they cannot cast out this demon.
It was at this point that Beth points out the reason for their inability to perform the task before them. They had just been arguing with the Pharisees. Her statement "Never argue with a Pharisee" hits be right between the eyes.
You see during this time period that I have not been writing, I have been arguing with Pharisees. Some in my head and some in real life. Distractions. Distractions, real and imagined, sent by the enemy to silence me and keep me from going further to the place where the Father has a plan for me. Even to the point of disobedience.
The more I argued, the louder the voice got, until I could no longer clearly hear that still small voice. The one that says I am his, I am loved, I am valuable, I have purpose, I can and I will. The one that says "I have bought you back", the one that says "I have paid for your freedom", the one that says,
"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
So dear friend, this morning I am reminded that the freedom bought by the blood of Jesus is mine and its time to hike up the boot straps and be who He says I am. It is time to walk in the purpose He has called me to. It is time to shush the voices and stop arguing with the Pharisees and it is time to remember the promises that He has made me and just how far He has brought me though there still seems to be no mountaintop in sight. It is time to take hold of that mustard seed and to say "Father, I believe, Lord help my unbelief".
Today's video is the Jeff Berry Band's song Prayer
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