Because I Said So...

As a parent, I struggle so with feeling guilty about telling my kids no. It seems that this two letter, one syllable word encompasses most of my conversations with my children. A trip through a grocery store can take me into a tailspin, as I can go from feeling like June Cleaver to Cruella Deville in sixty seconds flat. I try desperately to avoid those aisles. You know the ones...the ones with the completely processed, over sweetened, anti-nutritional (I may or may not have just made up a word there)  boxes in bright colors with attractive logos, or the bags of highly seasoned, overpriced chips in every flavor imaginable. Honestly, who needs a latte flavored potato chip? Really? Don't even get me started on the candy and soft drink aisles... And whose brilliant idea was it to put toys into a grocery store?!? Thanks a lot....as if I didn't just have to fight that battle at Walmart.

I am a firm believer in the affects of processed food on our health. I can tell just as good when I have eaten something that I shouldn't and I can tell even quicker when my little one is tanked on sugar, caffeine and dyes. Most nights I cook, because I believe that fresh food is better for us and that the more natural the better. But how do I explain to an almost eight year old, the nutritional benefits of only shopping on the outside perimeters of the grocery store?

Then it begins, the barrage of "whys" as my son begins to melt down or my daughter gives me "the look" (you know it) and I, in utter frustration, speak the words that I despise as much as they do "because I said so."

My children once heard the word "no" less than they do now. There was a time when just about every trip to a store yielded some small token, if nothing else, a pack of gum. This has been a major adjustment for my kids. To go from two, (sometimes three salaries), down to one and nineteen percent has been very difficult for my kids to understand. There is no way to effectively explain to the the sixteen year old that the forty dollar dress that she wants (that will ultimately end up left at some friend's house, or in the floor most of the time) is just a wish and not a want, nor to the little one why mommy can't purchase the $19.95 WWF wrestling figure today; when they have no idea how hard it is to pay a house payment, car payment, cell phones, cable, electricity, water, taxes, insurance, .......the list is endless.

And really, I should not have to be explaining these things to my kids so early on in their lives. I would be telling a lie if I did not admit here that it still makes me very angry to have been put into this position some days. And it is at the end of days like this that I quietly cry myself to sleep talking to God and it is these days that I ask my father why He says no.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

I'm going to make another confession here. There are some scriptures that I absolutely can not stand. I know, I know that sounds blasphemous and I'd like to say that it makes me feel shame, but I'd be lying again. Thankfully, I know that the Father remembers that He created us from dust.  Romans 8:28 is one of those scriptures. So is Jeremiah 29:11. It's not that I don't love His word, it's just that when I hear these verses, I want it now! Right now! Like a spoiled toddler.

I think sometimes it is easier to not know what you are missing. Does that make sense to you friend? There are days when I wake going "God is this the day that everything that you have promised me will be fulfilled?" "Is this the day that all the promises will come to pass?" Then... quietly the day slips by. The morning turns to midday and noon becomes night and with the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon a resounding "no" echoes across the stillness of the silence of the midnight hour.

Does it break the Father's heart to have to tell His children no? I often wonder, does He grow tired and weary of having to say it over and over to me? Does having to say wait make him feel guilty like it does me?

You see, my children have no idea that I have been coached by a doctor in what to eat and what not to. They have now idea that I have researched the foods that contain certain chemicals and preservatives and that from my research I have made a decision for the greater good, for health benefits for them further down the road. They do not understand the implications that to not spend twenty dollars here and forty dollars there, then there will be cable this month.

Just like children, we do not see the big picture when it comes to the things that God has in store for us. Just recently God has allowed me to see glimpses of pieces of His plan for me and I will openly admit, I really, really, really hope that what I have seen will come to pass. Just this weekend, tiny teasers of the life to come. Just enough to leave me craving more, like a thirsty man in a desert who receives only a cup of water. Enough to leave me in a frenzy awaiting the next drink.

When I think of waiting I must think of two incidences within the Bible, both pertaining to the children of Israel. Can I tell you that I remind myself very much of those mischievous Hebrew children sometimes? Forty years these children wandered in the wilderness, asking why, complaining and generally being stubborn little brats. Theologians believe that it should have taken no more than ten days for the the Israelites to make the journey from Egypt to the Promised Land. Yet these characteristics, which I very begrudgingly admit to, are the very reasons they were turned around at the edge of the promise and taken back into the wilderness for another thirty-nine+ years.

Joshua and Caleb, the only original members of those leaving Egypt, were the only two of the spies to report honestly and truthfully the details of all that had been seen in the land set aside for God's chosen race. and were the only two say "let's do this!"  Yet for years, they must stand at the very edge of the land promised to their forefathers, and they could not cross back into all that they had seen with their own eyes because of the disobedience of others. Finally, they alone crossed over into the promise.

And these typically human Hebrew children totally missed God's provision in all this! The manna, the pillar of fire, the cloud of smoke, the parting of the sea, the water from the rock! Why, because they had one thing in mind and one thing only, the promised land. Not the journey, not the provision, not the One who guided them. 

I guess this is confession day for me because I must confess this also. It is days like this that the enemy screams in my ear the loudest, a resounding, repetitive command to "just give up", "the promise is just a dream", "you're crazy, just forget get all this and walk away". So many other lies. You see the Father has promised that He is going to take all this pain and frustration, all these broken dreams and ashes of my former life and He is going to make something beautiful out of them. He has promised that my journey will not be in vain. He has promised to use me and my story for a greater good.

My spiritual eyes have caught a glimpse of his purpose and plan, yet my physical eyes look around me and all I see are days and hours and minutes that I long to do and be more, for Him. I feel restless, that my Promised Land is right there. Right there! and there is some invisible line that prevents me from just stepping over into that place of fullness in His plan. I yearn to be in His perfect plan.

Last year, in this month, I was in a really good place. It seemed at every turn the doors were just swinging open wide. I was meeting influential people on a regular basis, I had a good clear vision of what the Lord wanted me to do. I had just entered seminary. I had begun working for a well known singer/songwriter and I had been dating a great guy for 7 months and I was in demand in a new area to relocate. Now most of this is still a part of my life, but somehow the finished line just seems just out of reach, like every time I get within inches, someone moves the line.

I've stated in past blogs, that fear is my "thing". That thing that can get me to be disobedient quicker than any other. Last summer, with a buyer for my house, a steal on a Condo in Mt Juliet and seven job offers in hand, because I could not see how this could ever possibly work out in my mind's eye, I accepted the wrong position. Because I could not figure out all the logistics, I did not take the job that I knew I should have and BAM! All doors shut, slam, slam, slam! Standing in my kitchen with one of my best friends, Lori, I got the call that the offer that I had accepted would have to be withdrawn as the funding was going to have to be funneled to a greater need. "Why God?!?! Why?!?"

But really, I knew the answer already.

Peter has always been a character that I have identified with. I always have the best intentions and some how I will blow it at times. I think Peter is a lot like me in that we are people who are used to getting a job done. We know what is necessary and we just do it. Fish need catching? Hand me the net! Report needs writing? Hand me the raw data! We are leaders but not always effective in that delegating is not our strong suit, if something is not done our way or in our timing, we tend to take the reigns. We have a vision of what it is supposed to look like and we charge headlong to the ultimate goal.

Like Peter, I was walking on the water. I was on top of the waves with my eyes on the prize, Jesus. He was moving so much in my life, clearly visible. Then suddenly, I look away just for a brief second. That's all it took, one glance in another direction, and we're sinking in the salty brine, waves crashing over us once again. For Peter it was the physical storm and waves, for me it was fear and idolatry. The ultimate goal had become my outcome and not Jesus.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7)

I am such a visual person, I once had a photographic memory. You really don't want to play the memory game with me. This can be a good thing and it can be a bad thing. You see like Peter also, I find it difficult to walk in faith alone. I want to know the answers, I want to see the finished product. I want to see the big picture! I love 1000 piece jig saw puzzles, but in my need to see results, I must complete all the edges before starting on any other pieces. I have to at least see the outline. 

Thankfully, the One who made me knows this about me. He knew that this would be my thorn in the flesh. He knew that this would be His greatest battle with me and yet I know that He has chosen to use me anyway.

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.”

 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

So He is teaching me to walk by faith and not by sight. To trust in Him and not the vision.  He is teaching me that I do not have to have the big picture, that I just have to trust that He holds all the answers, that He has a greater plan than my feeble human eyes can see. I just have to take that step out onto the water. My father is teaching me that when I ask why, sometimes all I need to know is "Because I said so..."

God, I trust you with all my heart. Wherever you want me to go, I will go, even if it's not where I planned. Lead me and I will follow.

Shannon